Dear God, We’re Liveblogging The ALMA Awards

Only five minutes to go until the broadcast of the National Council of La Raza ALMA Awards, the show that promotes “fair, accurate, and balanced portrayals of Latinos in the entertainment industry,” and there’s only been one ABC promo describing the show as, “So hot it’s caliente!” We’ve got the tortilla chips, the salsa, the Homer Simpson piñata. We are ready to liveblog! Ordinarily we’re knee deep in whiskey sours by this hour, so we can’t promise that this is going to be pretty. But as far as we know, no one else has the audacity to liveblog (or watch) the ALMA awards so if you want commentary, it looks like we’re stuck with each other for the next two hours. Sit back, relax and refresh beginning 9pm eastern when we’ll be trying to think of something funnier to post than the sight of the actual show. Meanwhile, we’re watching the preceding repeat episode of According to Jim to help lower our standards.

9:02 pm: We just thought of a drinking game. Every time someone says caliente, we’re going to take a shot of tequila.

9:04pm and we are watching half-naked sex pots mambo on stage in front of a portrait of someone who could be Frida Kahlo or Eva Longoria with her arms crossed saying, “How you like me now, bitch?” to Salma Hayek.

9:05pm It only took 5 minutes for them to parade Mario Lopez out. He is the new Edward James Olmos.

9:06 Producer slash hostess Eva Longoria makes her grand entrance in a sexy, red dress as Mario’s dance partner. We can tell you that she did not grow up dancing salsa being that she’s Tejana. You know she’s shitting herself about now. “Please God, don’t let me fuck up. Please. 1-2-3 cha-cha-cha”

9:10 pm Someone just won something. We have no idea.

9:11 Someone gay is asking us to vote for Eva’s best dress. New drinking game!

9:12 Oh my god. Every commercial has Hispanics in it. It’s like they KNOW no white people are watching this.

9:14 And we’re back. Apparently, fair and balanced portrayal of Latinos means half naked. Oh, we forgot. It’s so hot it’s caliente!

9:15 Oh snap, it’s Prince. He’s singing with Sheila E. (His latin connection.) Can’t believe the Alma’s are blowing their wad so soon.

9:18 Admittedly, Sheila E. has always been a bad ass timbales player. Rock it, girl.

9:21 George Lopez and a large woman (his wife?) are in the audience doing the white man’s overbite to “The Glamorous Life.” Let’s face it, Mexicans cannot dance.

9:22 Prince and Sheila E. make a grand exit, leaving the audience dancing in the aisles. And now everyone can go home.

9:23 Outstanding Actress in A Motion Picture goes to Adriana Barraza for Babel. We haven’t seen it, but we’re pretty sure it’s way better than The Holiday which was the movie Cameron Diaz was nominated for. If only there were more than five Latin actresses in the world.

9:29 There are some Latin folks onstage we have never seen before! Oh, they star on TV shows. That explains it.

9:31 It only took 31 minutes for Edward James Olmos to win an award. For Walk-Out which aired on HBO. We’re not sure what the award is for, but it tied with High School Musical, so apparently it’s something to do with television. We actually did see Walk Out and we can assure you it was way worse than Babel AND The Holiday.

9:34 Carlos Mencia’s onstage. Hide the silver.

9:39 Now they’re announcing the nominees for Outstanding Supporting Actor on a TV Series. We want that fat hairy guy from Lost to win or the little, gay kid from Ugly Betty.

9:40 Benito somebody from The Shield won. This guy’s about as charismatic as a flacid penis.

9:42 Los Lonely Boys are performing. Finally pachucos have their place in mainstream music. Orale.

9:45 Commercial Break: Dear God, how much hispanic marketing can we endure before we impale ourselves on a Tostito?

9:48 Dress #whatever for Eva by Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein. We like this one because it’s tight and shows off her boobies.

9:49 It’s weird seeing Latin people on TV. Everyone looks like my tía.

9:50 Jorge Garcia and Daisy Fuentes are introducing a performance by hip hop artists, Calle 13. Jorge looks depressed that he lost earlier. Heh! Lost. Get it?

9:53 Um, we would totally love to be thrown in a prison cell to live out our thug fantasies with that Calle 13 lead singer. Mee-ow.

9:56 Sarah Ramirez from Grey’s Anatomy just walked on stage wearing a dress that makes her boobs look great. She’s introducing People En Español’s most beautiful Latina Beyoncé Knowles who is performing live from Spain IN ESPAÑOL. What is this conspiracy to turn Beyonce into one of us?

10:02 Beyoncé looks really psycho when she sings. We like it.

10:02 Point of interest: There’s way more Latinos on TV than in movies. And Nadine Velasquez from My Name Is Earl looks like she could bench 220.

10:02 Outstanding Actor in A TV Series/Mini-Series/TV Movie: Another tie that includes Edward James Olmos. Sheesh. He really is the sacred cow.

10:06 When did Los Lobos get so old? The coolest looking dude up there is Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top who would never sell out and shave his beard. Have to say this performance kind of blows. Bring back the hot guy from Calle 13.

10:15 They’re announcing the nominees for Outstanding Actress on TV. If America Ferrerra doesn’t win we’ll eat another Tostito.

10:15:01 Shocker. It’s America. She’s joining us via satellite from Greece. Well la-di-fucking-da.

10:23 We’ve broken into the Kahlúa to make it through the last half hour.

10:24 The lead singer of Dashboard Confessional is Latin? This is what our publisher would call reaching for the Hispanic angle.

10:26 Eva’s magenta satin dress by Angel Sanchez looks like something from the Fulton Mall in Brooklyn.

10:27 Jesse Garcia gets the ALMA for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture for his role as a hot, gay Mexican thug in the indie flick Quinceañera. And Terrence Howard is right there in the audience to shake his hand on the way up to the stage. Coincidence?

10:29 Oh by the way, Alejandro González Iñarritu won an ALMA during the commercial break for Outstanding Director in a Motion Picture. Aren’t we the important awards show.

10:33 Cheech Marin is onstage presenting George Lopez with an award. Orale.

10: 35 Homoerotic Lopez-Marin jokes: While unappetizing, we applaud.

10:37 L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigoza is reading George Lopez punch lines off a teleprompter. Who voted for this guy?

10: 38 A War reunion performance in honor of George Lopez. This may be the best part of the evening. Sorry, Prince.

10: 41 G-Lo takes the stage to accept his Special Achievement In Television Award suddenly presented by Mario Lopez. (What happened to Cheech?) The camera cuts to Edward James Olmos to make the Latin trifecta complete.

10:43 George says Latins can accomplish anything, but we don’t think we can make it to the end of this show.

10:49 Jessica Alba and Terrence Howard just awarded the ALMA for Outstanding Motion Picture to Babel stating the winner is “kinda obvious.” Catty.

10:49:01 We like the way the White announcer says Iñarritu. We can’t even say Iñarritu.

10:51 Gay dude is back talking about Eva’s dresses. WHICH ONE will win?

10:56 Hector Elizondo: The poor man’s Edward James Olmos.

10:58 Ugly Betty just won Outstanding TV Series. Big surprise. A very pregnant Salma Hayek ends the show with the obilgatory, “Si Se Puede.” Yes We Can!

11:00 pm Yes, we can make it to the end of the show. We’d like to thank our publisher, our MacBook Pro and Kahlúa. Goodnight everybody!

Earlier: Grupo Fantasma (Who?) To Back Prince On ALMA Awards Tonight