Our Associate Editor Carlos Nobleza Posas goes off on personal rants that may or may not be factually based.

Let me set the scene for you, slugger. Take a seat, golden boy. And don’t you dare go anywhere, angel. You’re gonna wanna stick around for this one, or else. (My therapist says empty threats are a form of displaced jealousy.)
I get into the office this morning to find a discarded copy of this month’s Forbes on my desk, coffee-stained with the pages stuck together. The issue’s cover, lo and behold, heralds the completion of the Celebrity 100 List. Like a diamond-encrusted yardstick, Forbes measures celebrity according to annual earnings, something called internet presence, and press coverage.

That’s where you three step in:

At #29, New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodríguez is the highest-ranked Latino on the list. Semi-retired boxer Oscar de la Hoya sits pretty at #46, thanks to establishing an empire that deals in fight promotion and music production. Rounding out the trio at #51 is globe-trotting lingerie model Gisele Bündchen.
A Dominican baseball player, a Mexican fighter, and a Brazilian supermodel represent our wealth and fame to the world … I just knew we were in good shape.

As somebody who’s followed each of your careers for years now (one more closely than others, Gisele), I feel I’ve earned the right to some considerable kickbacks from each of your bank accounts. It’s not like you don’t have the money to spare … right? Let’s go to the numbers for proof.

A-Rod, you’re up first since you’re the list’s number one Latin philanderer—i mean, earner. According to the Forbes website, you racked up $29 million this year. A portion of that should go to me since I was gracious enough to spend some dough on Yankees tickets early in the season; I even refrained from joining other fans in booing you! (Most of the time, at least.) To this proposal, you might ask, “Well, what about Joe Blow who’s got season tickets and spends much more on the franchise than you?” Simple, my crotch-grabbing friend: he doesn’t have the power of the press. Nobody here is saying blackmail, but if you kick me a couple grand every month, I’ll stop publishing and re-publishing stories about your—how do I put this lightly?— off-the-field indiscretions. That blonde Playboy flunkie you shacked up with could probably use more press. What’s that? “Join the club,” you say? In that case, I’ll wait for the check in the mail.

Next! That’s you, Oscar de La Hoya. Can I call you Oskie? Lemme keep it short and sweet for you, Oskie. That Cinco de Mayo bout between you and pound-for-pound champ Floyd Mayweather, Jr.—the one that earned you a record $43 million for 36 minutes of ring time, not to mention got your company (Golden Boy Promotions) a cut of the $19 million gate receipts and $120 million pay-per-view revenue—sucked! (I sat through the whole thing, kinda drunk.) You lost, homes, so pay up! At the very least, refund me the 18 bucks I spent on your self-titled pop album years ago; my mom said it was the shittiest Christmas gift ever.

Which brings me to you, Gisele. First off, eat a sandwich; seriously, we’re all concerned. Secondly, the $33 million you earned this year in no way reflects the harm you did me (and others) with last year’s highly-publicized break-up. It’s one thing if you dump Leonardo di Caprio, but don’t call it quits with Victoria’s Secret! You’re one less scantily clad ‘angel’ for girls everywhere to eat-then-barf in adoration of. In this case, however, I don’t have to resort to the press that I want. Damn straight, I have a more powerful bargaining chip lined up for you: let’s just the say the baby possibly growing inside of you doesn’t belong to your boo, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

Thalía ain’t the only one!

The Celebrity 100 [Forbes]
Earlier, ‘Los Rants: Thalía’s Carrying My Baby
Image of A-Rod [Warren Wimmer / Chicago Sports Review]
Image of Oskie [ShortyDaBomb.com]
Image of Gisele [Jaunted.com]