Less than a week has passed since word got out about the rumored sex tape featuring Puerto Rican pop tart Noelia and her ex-boyfriend hittin’ the skins. The only claim for the existence of this video is a single shady screen shot, but no one seems to have gotten their hands on it. (Aren’t these things supposed to travel at the speed of light?) The one source the world’s been directed to for downloading it seems bogus, refusing to produce any related search results when you punch in ‘Noelia.’ Other sources that pop up on Google are suspect at best and fail to dig up the dirt. (Let’s just say we did the necessary research and are left with countless porn site memberships but no naughty Noelia; can’t wait to see what our inbox looks like…) A simple question arises in this scenario: has anybody actually seen this thing?

A couple of details have downgraded the whole scandal from news to rumor. For one thing, the side-by-side comparison shown at right leaves a lot to be desired in terms of a positive match. (Even Paris looked like Paris in her recorded romp, and they used nightvision!) For another, if a blogger really had seen the entire tape, why would he or she only share one screen shot? Protecting the public from so-called ‘raunchy’ material doesn’t fly as an excuse any more. People have a God-given right to be made uncomfortable by celebrity sex.

Why anybody would inflate the scandal to such tantalizing proportions, then fail to produce the goods is beyond us. On second thought, we know it’s because the phrase ‘sex tape’ works like a magic incantation in cyberspace. (We sure as hell have been milking it.) Pair that with the word ‘download’ like others have done, and you’ve got instant traffic to your site.

So we challenge the like-mindedly twisted and catty to produce the Noelia sex tape. Go ahead: prove us wrong. If not for your own sense of smug satisfaction, do it for Noelia. After all, this is the kind of thing that could launch her into the celebrity stratosphere reserved for people like Chyna Doll, Pamela Anderson, and of course, Mizz Hilton.

Earlier, Fun With ‘Babelfish’: Hollywood Blog Tries To Shed Light On Noelia’s Sex Tape