I WANT TO HIRE YOU FOR MY QUINCES

Member how we wrote that post about that crazy, little beast, Aurelia Reyes, who had her quinceañera on “My Sweet 16?” And we were all, “we’d slap her teeth out,” and “she’s the best birth control we’ve ever seen on television?” At what point did we give the idea that a) we are for hire to work at quinceañeras and that b) we dance? Because such was the assumption of one sweet, little, Florida girl who emailed us recently (all-caps are hers):

Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2007 10:46:58 -0400
From: redacted@redacted.com
To: tips@guanabee
Subject: I WANT TO HIRE YOU FOR MY QUINCES

HEY, MY NAME IS HEPZIBAH COTA. BUT MOST PEOPLE CALL ME PEPZI. I WAS SENDING THIS MESSEGE BECAUSE I NEED SOMEONE FOR MY PARTY IN 2008 THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD ON IN ORDER TO ACOMPLISH AND I LIVE IN WESTON FLORIDA BUT I’M GOING TO HAVE MY PARTY IN MIAMI AND IT’S GOING TO BE REALLY GOOD AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN GIVE ME A CALL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AT MY MOMS CELL: [redacted] OR MY HOUSE # : [redacted]

I HOPE YOU GUYS GIVE A CALL SO THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY IT IS TO HIRE YOU AND WHAT PLACES YOU GUYS GO TO. OR YOU CAN SEND ME A NUMBER WERE I CAN CONTACT YOU. THANKS , LOVE PEPZI

At first we couldn’t decide between, someone is totally fucking with us and this is the coolest 14 year old ever. Pepzi? Who could write that shit??? So we wrote back with the utmost interest:

>From: cindy@guanabee.com
>To: redacted@redacted.com
>Subject: Re: I WANT TO HIRE YOU FOR MY QUINCES

Hi Pepzi,

Exactly what did you want to hire us for?

Cindy

To which Pepzi replied:

> From: redacted@redacted.com
> To: cindy@guanabee.com
> Subject: Re: I WANT TO HIRE YOU FOR MY QUINCES

WELL, SO THAT YOU CAN DANCE AT MY QUINCES, LIKE AS AN ENTERTAINMENT.

At this point, we were certain we were being fucked with. Some keen homosexual down Miami way was totally funnin’. But, no. Daniel called her and sure enough. Pepzi had misunderstood our purpose in this world. Which is not to dance at her quinceañera, but to stand in awe of her Pepziness.