Perez Hilton: There’s Been A Lot Of Talk, Maybe Too Much Talk

Recent circumstances have pushed gossip blogger Perez Hilton’s soft, fat underbelly into the light of our consciousness, forcing us to overcome our abhorrence of pee pee-caca jokes and make a statement. If you’re asking yourself, “Who the fuck is Perez Hilton?” You must have a life. Most of us who work on the internet are not so lucky. We come across him everyday. Alas, we even drink from his sour teat once in a while. But even ye who do not know the witch will soon have your innocence shattered when she invades the television airwaves via VH1 this fall. (An announcement that was made today on “The View” amid much fanfare.) So who is this easter egg-haired harbinger of evil? Some background:

Obviously, Perez Hilton is not his real name. Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. was born in Miami, Florida in 1978 to two conservative, Cuban parents named Mario Armando Lavandeira, Sr. and Teresita Lavandeira. He attended the Belen Jesuit Preparatory School, a Catholic institution, where he no doubt caused statues to bleed and holy water to sizzle on his skin. Aspiring to become an actor, after graduating high school, he obtained his BA in Drama at New York University. He managed to land the role of ‘male student’ in a 2001 episode of “The Sopranos”. Eventually, he called it quits on acting, and made the leap to “writing.” His first gig was at an unknown gay publication where he lost his job for spending too much time on his personal blog originally named PageSixSixSix. It’s no wonder he was so addicted to it, because it was there that he finally found the attention he so clearly craves as a celebrity rumormonger. His current Los Angeles-based blog Perez Hilton is known for its celebrity-bashing, quickie posts that usually consist of pedestrian, Liquid Paper-like doodles of cocks and balls alongside such witticims as, “i heart cock” or “booger.”

While Perez calls himself a “positive gay role model” he’s been quoted making pro-meth comments on a number of occasions and has made it his personal mission to out every limp-wristed celebrity he can, regardless of evidence. Some such notables are T.R. Knightly who plays George on “Grey’s Anatomy” and Lance Bass formerly of N’Sync.

Perez writes the blog from the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (a west-coast Starbucks type coffeehouse) on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. His modus operandi appears to be to scout paparazzi’s websites, take their photos and post them on his website without paying. For this he has been legally served many times and now faces millions of dollars in law suits.

But what motivates Perez isn’t his inflated traffic numbers, his body painting fans or his access to D-List celebrities. He’s an example of a gay, Latino boy getting revenge on everyone who ever called him a faggot. He’s determined to show the world he’s someone. Even if that someone is the most hated person on the internet. We do have to hand it to him for making so much from so very little. We look forward to his E! True Hollywood Story when he one day goes out in a fiery blaze of gay glory. Until then, we’ll sit back and watch.

Perez Hilton [MySpace]
When Mario Met Meth: MORE Perez Hilton High School Photos - Back When He Was Thin & Fabulous! [Wendy Wayrad]
The Truth About Perez Hilton’s Traffic [Gawker]
Images [Vanity Fair, Wendy Wayrad, PerezHilton]