The Noelia Sex Tape: A Shrink Weighs In

There’s only one part of Noelia that we haven’t seen probed on the internet and that’s her mind. Guanabee asks a real shrink what’s up with her.

Guanabee: You’re a real shrink?
Shrink: I am.

Guanabee: What are your credentials? Area of study? (Any experience with sexuality, anal in particular?)
Shrink: I have a doctorate in clinical psychology (Psy.D) I specialize in working with gay men so sex and anal sex are very familiar issues that are probed.

Guanabee: That’s hilarious. We already made that joke at the top of the page. So do you know this Puerto Rican Pop singer Noelia?
Gay Shrink: I do now.

Guanabee: Well, she has a sex tape.
Gay Shrink: She certainly does.

Guanabee: We heard she has a somewhat famous (Puerto Rican famous) mom named Yolanda who sings. Also, her grandmother claims she was abused. And, finally, she is about to launch an English-language album. Do you think it’s possible she planted the tape herself?
Gay Shrink: Of course it is possible. Sex sells and in America where porn is a 14 billion dollar a year industry, a sex tape might just get more play than a video on MTV.

Guanabee: What kind of person would release a sex tape of themselves on the internet?
Gay Shrink: A narcissist, an exhibitionist, or a victim of another’s voyeurism. Ms. Noelia, seems to be in the driver’s seat in this video, though.

Guanabee: Narcissism? What’s that?
Gay Shrink: Narcissistic individuals may have a grandiose sense of self importance, require excessive admiration, be interpersonally exploitive and be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, etc.

Guanabee: So, a pop star?
Gay Shrink: The traits of narcissism are not uncommon amongst celebrities and pop stars.

Guanabee: Indeed. What about the whole anal thing? In your “clinical” experience, is that common? What about amongst Latinas?
Gay Shrink: Studies show that 30-40% of women report having engaged in heterosexual anal sex. For many women, anal intercourse allows them to maintain technical virginity.  This may appeal to many Latina women who are practicing Catholics as this allows them to be sexually active and maintain their pureness. It allows women to be both the Madonna and the Whore.

Guanabee: She wishes she were Madonna. Any idea if such practices could affect one’s singing voice?
Gay Shrink: It can make a baritone sing like a soprano. Whether it will help Ms. Noelia croon better in English, we shall see.

Guanabee: Finally, will you be buying Noelia’s upcoming english album?
Gay Shrink: Will the video be included as bonus material?

Guanabee: Any parting thoughts?
Gay Shrink: Freud once said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” In Ms. Noelia’s orifices she smoked quite the cohiba.

Earlier: Noelia Coverage On Guanabee