In honor of Fidel Castro’s recent birthday the Miami New Times decided to celebrate by terrifying us with geriatric sex stories. They’ve made some ridiculous connection between him and another disgusting old shriv who happened to be born in the same year—Hugh Hefner. Calling them a part of “The Greatest Generation,” (because of Jerry Lewis???) they claim that Hefner and Castro “are responsible for revolutions of seismic proportions, and both are horn dogs — claiming to have slept with more than 1000 women.” That’s about one a year since they were in graduate school! After a long list of ho-hum stuff, (Seriously, both their parents were farmers? Weren’t everyone’s back before the industrial revolution?), they finally make us lose our Cheerios when they decide to quote The Saturday Evening Post on the dictator’s masculine wiles:

Charmed by Mr. Castro’s magnetic presence, his beard, his large and limpid eyes, and his flow of hoarsely eloquent Spanish, an impulsive young lady from New York had, so they say, by some means made her way to his bedroom at night. ‘Fidel,’ she whispered, gently rousing the sleeping hero, ‘I am eager to serve the revolution. What is it you wish of me?’

And former Playboy model Jill Ann Spaulding on the joys of sex with the Hef:

He doesn’t really do anything. He just lies there with his Viagra erection. It’s just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited. They’ll yell things like “Fuck her, daddy, fuck her, daddy!” There’s a lot of cheerleader going on!”

Let this serve as a lesson to all you journalists in the retirement capital of America. Liverspot love does not play in the upper 47.

The Greatest Generation: El Jefe and Hef turn 81 [Miami New Times]