Fidel Castro Deathwatch: El Comandante Forgives A Pair Of Defecting, Deported Boxers Despite Their Gold Grillz

Communist dictator Fidel Castro has issued a statement saying two Cuban boxers who played hooky at last month’s Pan American Games in Rio de Janeiro in order to defect will not be arrested when they get home. Castro said Guillermo Rigondeaux and Erislandy Lara, who had signed endorsement contracts with a German sports company only to renege, will instead “be given decent tasks in sports according to their knowledge and experience” because it wasn’t their fault a “mafia” seduced them with money. (If we had a nickel for every time he used that old mafia seduction excuse…) Reading between the lines, we figure that means they’ll be replacing urinal cakes at a rundown Gym of the Revolution. The best part is the way the two were caught chillen’ without papers on a beach miles outside of Rio:

According to police, they [...] changed hotels often and called attention to themselves with the way they spoke Spanish and the gold in their teeth.

Athletes who get in trouble due to their extravagance? We never thought we’d see the day.

Cuban boxers deported from Brazil [BBC News]
Boxeadores cubanos que defectaron en Rio serán deportados a su país [Yahoo! News via Vivir Latino]