The Last Press Conference Alberto Gonzales Will Ever Hold

In case you haven’t yet heard the news, U.S. Attorney General and ‘yes’ man extraordinaire Alberto Gonzales resigned this morning. His curtain call came at 10:30 EST today in the form of a press conference, so we’d like to bring you highlights. Never has a much-anticipated swan song been quite so underwhelming:

• For 13 years of support while he worked in the public service, Gonzales thanked his wife, Rachel, and three sons–Jared, Graham, and Gabriel. Sounds like the first two kids “left their names at the border.”
• He looked surprisingly handsome in a red, patterned tie that paired nicely with his pre-resignation tan.
• Quote of the address: “I’ve told my colleagues again and again, that we live in the greatest country in the world and that I have lived the American dream. Even my worst days as Attorney General have been better than my father’s best days.” (Way to play that humble Mexican background ’til the bitter end, Al.)

• He closed out the set with a throaty, sexy version of “Happy Birthday, Ms. Editor” to Guanabee editor Cindy Casares. Now he “can’t recall” receiving our payment in the mail to do so.

But seriously, folks, he refused to take questions and took off like a bat out of hell from the podium after concluding with a nervous and rushed, “God bless America.” Apparently, he’s in a rush to get started on his new job as somebody else tool.