• A former Maniac Latin Disciple and enemy combatant, Jose Padilla is convicted of conspiracy to aid terrorists. We can’t decide which of those titles is less glamorous than it sounds. [Chicagoist]
• Readers are asked what they think about less Mexicans sending money home this year than last. Harmless ignorance follows. [The Onion]
• Jerry Springer will host the U.K. version of that Colombian lie detector game show. Does a transsexual dwarf who’s into S&M ever tell the truth? [BBC News]
• Whole Foods is now legally free to buy out rival Wild Oats. No one knows if the resulting monopoly falls under ‘raw’ or ‘organic.’ [NBC San Diego]
• Bilingual education in Texas school districts is being ditched for something called dual language. No word yet on which one is more downright anti-American. [Dallas News]