We got about a minute and a half into this tearful and reverent goodbye speech from former (!) Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’ farewell ceremony before we realized they weren’t talking about Abraham Lincoln. Somehow the words, “A good decent man who has incredibly strong values […] who was never once taken by the trappings of his title” threw us off. It’s worth watching till the end when Cabana Al sits in his leather chair, a traditional departing gift, and his red tie sticks up in his lap like a dog penis.

Earlier: Alberto Gonzales Has Left The (Justice Department) Building