Nina Garcia, Elle fashion director, “Project Runway” judge and rabbit fur wearer, is releasing The Little Black Book of Style Thursday, a turn of events we can blame on her f’d up parents. An accusation we make only after perusing an advance copy sent to us by her publicist. It turns out the poor, little, rich girl from Colombia’s mami and papi didn’t exactly have their priorities straight:

[My mother] had to have her hair done everyday; She refused to leave the house without lipstick; Lord knows how many plastic surgeries she had. As a child, I never understood why she cared so much.

Now Nina knows first hand that White Colombians don’t age well.

My father was incredibly charming and incredibly handsome and such a player.

Is this making anyone else uncomfortable? After the jump find out what kind of powers Nina’s daddy had over his little girl.

He had the power to make me think that white linen was the only fabric a man should wear. [Ed. Note: Wait. Dad was gay?] My father wore only white linen pants and white guayaberas. Everyday I would watch him leave for work in that outfit [Oh, Dad was a waiter!]

But what about long division?

My parents would take me out of school for weeks at a time and we would go around the world. I would return to school in the newest Parisian fashions, but a month behind on long division. I would complain to my father who was much less concerned about it than I was.

Oh, Nina. What does a South American deb need with long division when she’s got the likes of Dr. Rey? P.S. Stay tuned for Nina’s El Libro De La Moda in April of ’08! We can’t wait.

Earlier: Nina Garcia’s Little Black Book Of Style: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Dress Like An American