If there’s one person gracing the pages of Guanabee this week who is screaming for analysis, it’s Oscar De La Hoya. So we tapped our favorite, gay shrink for some help in comprehending the events that have left a nation in shock: Oscar De La Hoya’s Trannygate.

Let me set the record straight. If you are a man and have recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving cross-dressing you are not gay. If you are a man and have recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving cross-dressing and are a world-famous, Latino boxer, you are not gay, but according to heavily circulated photographs, you are most likely Oscar De La Hoya.

This guy has straights, Gays, Latinos, Whites, Blacks, Mike Tyson, and the minions of young, boxing fans world wide wondering wtf, so, in the words of Inigo Montoya, “Let me ‘splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up.”

To begin with, the pictures of Oscar De La Hoya in various female regalia can be understood as a Paraphilia, which is a fancy psychological word for fetish. Some people have shoe fetishes, others like to engage in exhibitionism (remember Noelia?), and many heterosexual (yes straight) men like to dress up in women’s clothing. Now, gay men who dress in women’s clothing are donning drag and usually put some serious effort in dress, makeup and hair. Their behavior also does not sexually arouse them. Transvestites do get sexually aroused by their behavior and, truth be told, while they love women’s clothing, they don’t exactly have the queer eye to pull it off very well. (Think Buffalo Bill, “Silence of the Lambs,” it puts the lotion on its skin…) It’s more about how excited they feel when they are giving in to the obsessive urge to put on a pair of panties and fishnets.

So what would possess a super macho, strong, masculine, tough, sexy, lady’s man to, well, want to be a lady? In a word: relief. Relief from the pressures of maintaining this masculine ideal, the responsibilities of machismo, the expectation to pound instead of be pounded. The recurring fantasy to be something he is not. And in this case the opposite of being Olympic gold in public is being “Goldie” in private.

Now, certainly, each transvestite has a personal story of how they came to discover the pleasure of a soft panty and we can only surmise that Mr. De La Hoya has quite the back story as well. The first step to healing a psychological conflict is admitting a conflict exists, so Oscar De La Hoya are the pictures real? If so, come out of the closet and admit you are a transvestite and become a voice for all the other cross dressers who live in the shadows, trusting strippers with their private Polaroids. As Oscar or “Goldie”, you still can kick anyone’s ass who has something to say. If you want to talk about this uniquely straight issue with a gay shrink, reach out to Guanabee for my contact info. I’m here for you round by round.

Earlier: Oscar De La Hoya Round 7: The “ET” Interview That Confused Us More Than Informed Us