Guanabee sat down for a chat with our favorite gay shrink to find out why Fidel Castro is hanging on to this world like an old lady to support hose. Here’s how it went:

Guanabee: Let’s cut to the chase. We’ve come to see you today because we are obsessed with the impending death of a third-world dictator. It’s all we think about. He’s older than fuck. He’s had an alien pop out of his stomach; Carlos, our associate editor, keeps hitting refresh on Reuters.com, and still…nothing! It’s confounding.
Gay Shrink: Castro is a formidable dictator who has held control over his country, (and some would say the free world), with an iron fist since the 1950’s; he is not going to announce he has died until he is ready.

Guanabee: You’re right. If he were dead, it would be just like him to hold control over us from beyond the grave. Still we’re not completely convinced he hasn’t just made a pact with the devil to live forever. Either that, or he’s got a REALLY great skin care regimen. We found evidence to support both theories in this interview which explains, for starters, that Castro’s brother Raoul is gay as was Castro’s best friend Alfredo Guevara (no relation to Che). Is it possible Castro’s posse just has him working out a lot and spa-ing?

Gay Shrink: We can’t ignore the possibility that all of his control issues stem from his own repressed homosexuality. Plus, if Castro can manage to keep a fleet of ‘57 Chevy’s running into 2007 then getting some black market botox probably isn’t a problem.

A: There is proof that he has some uncanny ability to know things in advance or to survive very dangerous situations. And there is no rational explanation for that. The same was true with Hitler. When they tried to kill him, they put the bomb next to him …

Q: Yeah, and somebody moved the briefcase.

A: … and he survived. How do you explain that? They tried to kill Hitler, what, more than 12, 14 times? And every time, the bomb didn’t explode, something happened – just sheer luck.

Guanabee: Sounds like a pact with the devil to us.

Gay Shrink: Castro, like Hitler, probably has a bit of Obessive Compulsive Disorder and if there was a bomb about to go off, he would have flicked the lights on and off, washed his hands 10x, counted backwards from 30 and checked the briefcase (found the bomb), before anyone else in the room would have taken a seat.

Guanabee: As a doctor, what would you say are the chances that a man Castro’s age (81) could survive having an alien pop out of his stomach or whatever the hell it is he had to fly to Spain to get taken out?
Gay Shrink: An alien popping out of his stomach? That sounds like code for a sexual device inadvertently being stuck in his anus. [Ed. Note: Doesn’t everything when you’re a gay shrink?] Either way, as long as the foreign object is removed completely it seems like death is an unlikely consequence. I am not a medical doctor though, just a gay shrink.

Guanabee: Getting back to your suggestion that Castro is dead, but that his regime is participating in a hoax. Why would a government persist in what amounts to the world leader version of “Weekend At Bernie’s?”
Gay Shrink: Because “Weekend At Bernie’s,” spawned a sequel—“Weekend At Bernie’s II.” A movie that grossed over 12 million at the box office. Pulling off an amazing coup with a movie that, at its core, was really shitty. It seems more and more that Castro’s disciples are trying to market him as the second coming and looking toward Hollywood for how to sell that to the public. (See: Hugo Chavez.)

Guanabee: Thanks for your help in processing this. We think we’re coming to terms with the idea of Fidel as a member of the undead. One for whom we must have tolerance. Any parting thoughts for our readers or for Fidel himself who may be surfing the net in his tracksuit as we speak?
Gay Shrink: To Guanabee readers: Meditate!! Too much control can make you like Castro and aside from Castro, no one wants that! To Castro: If you are not dead, please enlighten us—what makes you dominate? You are a bottom in bed right?

Earlier: Fidel Castro Deathwatch
The Noelia Sex Tape: A Shrink Weighs In