Well-seasoned Miss Puerto Rico, Ingrid Rivera, is still insisting that her evening gown, bathing suit and makeup brush were sabotaged with pepper spray during her recent beauty pageant. And nothing makes for a better case against an unknown mace-wielding assailant than a sensationalist TV interview. And nothing makes Guanabee writers less dependent on Zoloft happier than carefully dissecting said interview. Onward, hos!:

Our first reaction was to actually, you know, pay attention to this interview because it was narrated in a British accent. Which can mean only one thing: Guiness! We mean. Seriousness! So, two things really.

Once that bored us sufficiently, we found ourselves wondering why they kept showing the exact same shot of Ingrid’s optimistically upturned visage. To wit:

We shall refer to this as her “mace face.”

We were delighted when another shot was eventually used, one that both moved and was moving. Yes, we were moved. To tears. Of laughter. Check it:

Those tears look like they taste of hope, tenacity, determination. And pepper. And yet something was still missing. But what? Oh that’s right. DUH-RAMA! Luckily, when asked to bring it, the interview done brought it. With helpful graphics:

But now that we’d tasted blood, we wanted more. More of Ingrid’s strangely plastic-looking head. And, like an empathetic cherub on a sunlit cloud, the show’s creators heard our silent pleas for more of Ingrid’s face, and they delivered. Smiling Ingrid. Downcast Ingrid. The dancing disembodied head of Ingrid. They’re all there, baby.

But enough of Ingrid. We needed some balance. They say too much of a good thing isn’t healthy, be it Ingrid’s fascinating kaleidoscope of constipated facial expressions or lines of powdery white cocaine. And, so, a breather was needed. Some other sort of footage. Some stock footage:

Science! Oh, wh-what! We’re shaking. We’re going through withdrawal. Someone do something, quick.

All better.