Embarrassing Smackdown! Annoying Couple: Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony Vs. Squirmy Politician: Alberto Gonzales

Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony

Alberto Gonzales

• Eligibility: Two Nuyoricans. Jenny from the Bronx and Marc from Manhattan.
• Claim To Fame: Jennifer “sings” and “acts,” but the real draw is her ass, which appears in most of her work. Marc is a salsero whose first marriage to Dayanara Torres made everyone go, “Damn. How’d he get her?“
• Why They Are Embarrassing: The relationship is as forced as the Presidential debates on Univision. Which wouldn’t matter if either of them had released any work that resonated with anyone anywhere in the past ten years. “El Cantante”? Not so much. Jenny’s Spanish album featuring a cheesy duet with Marc? Yeah, maybe next time. It’s like they’re embarrassing squared.

• Eligibility: Tejano from outside Houston
• Claim To Fame: Officially, he’s the former U.S. Attorney General, but most people know him as the Uncle Tómas of the White House.
• Why He’s Embarrassing: Gonzales systematically fired a staff of U.S. Dept. of Justice attorneys in 2005 and 2006 without explanation only to tell Senate hearing committees later that he had no recollection of the events. He was also seriously implicated in the NSA Domestic Eavesdropping Program and became so universally reviled in Washington, that a number of members of both houses of Congress from both parties publicly said Gonzales should resign or be fired by Bush. This he impudently refused during months of Senate hearings until, finally, in August of this year, he put us all out of our misery. Only to play the race card and imply that his humble background should excuse him from any mistakes he might have made.