Guanabee Holiday Gift Guide

Are you unsure about what to get us for Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chakakhan? Do you have people of the brown persuasion on your Christmas list? Did you get stuck with Fernando the janitor for your secret santa? Worry not! Let Guanabee help you navigate through the stressful holidays without having to drop Klonopin like it’s hot. Just follow this handy Latino gift guide, which is sure to bring joy and laughter for years to come. Like Latinos, these are gifts that keep on giving:

“Hombre” Dancing Hamster

Your life couldn’t possibly be complete without a dancing rodent dressed as a Mexican. Like, really. This follicly-correct little critter comes with a nice mustache, lovely gold lamé hat, some weird-ass serape, and maracas! You know what’s better than a photo of a Mexican rat? A video:

By the way, that photo of the hamster is so totally our new iPhone wallpaper.

Cahones the Chihuahua Dog

Perhaps the dancing hamster is too Richard Gere for you. Fear not, because the furry stereotypes don’t stop there. According to Amazon.com, Cahones the Chihuahua’s got “big balls, and he’s proud of them!” We bet. “Squeeze his ear and you’ll hear him sing two different hilarious songs that show just how proud he is of his notoriously noticeable nads.” Aww, just like Daniel.

Mama Caliente

Lladró is so last year. Give that special lady in your life a beautiful handmade ceramic freakshow thingy. The description of Mama Caliente says:

“This is one hot mama! Fear la lucha libre Mama Caliente! Adore her grace, her beauty…but fear her mask. And she’s wicked with a vacuum cleaner!”

WTF? We’re unsure whether that comment is sexist or racist, so we’ll go with both.

Pita From Mexico

Babygirl Pita Rena Corta, which we’re guessing is short for Agapita, is “an 11-year-old girl from Mexico City who loves to go to her family’s ranch outside the city so that she can ride her favorite horse [...] Pita is a 21-inch poseable play doll with a unique face that reflects the beauty of her ethnicity.” What is it with the Mexican kids and livestock these days? You know what’s missing from her beautiful “ethnic” face? A nopal.

Mexican Princess Gold Pendant

Wanna know what to get that glittery quinceañera (or Bill Richardson?). The Mexican Princess pendant always makes the cut as the most appropriate Yankee Swap gift for that hot Chola from accounting. It will have her surrendering at your feet in no time. Trust us, we’ve tried it with our favorite gay Mexican. It works!