Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez has been suffering from a recent bout with bronchitis, forcing him to bow out of his epic weekly radio program, “Aló Presidente.” This is almost as bad as the time we found, the hard way, that kittens couldn’t fly! Also, isn’t Chávez made of magic and unicorn hiccups or something? How can he possibly fall sick? Turns out, it’s all your fault:

Chávez said that his bronchitis could be the result of a “chemical warfare” attack by the United States. According to the Venezuelan clown, when he was in Cienfuegos during his last trip to Cuba, a black cloud suddenly appeared from the North and stopped right on top of his head.

First of all, Chávez is not a clown. That is highly disrespectful; clowns are intentionally funny. Secondly, why would no one believe us when we went on and on about chemical warfare and ominous black clouds on our heads and the fact that a team of CIA-trained squirrels always appear on our front stoop every morning, listening to our thoughts and transmitting them into space? Damn it. We’re with you, Huey.

I swear that I am not making this up [The Real Cuba] (Fourth item)