Mark is a single, gay Cuban-American living in New York—a city some say is the toughest place in America to be single. After a few false starts, he’s finally ready to go out and meet the guy of his dreams. But, first, he’d like a little bit of friendly help from Guanabee. We’ll send him to a gym, give him some style tips, get him a new outfit and turn him into Prince Charming by Valentine’s Day. So join Associate Editor Alex Alvarez as she and Guanabee help Mark get a new look, a new perspective and, hopefully, a hot new Argentine boyfriend. Because everyone could use a Marcover now and again. Your life depends on it. No pressure, though.

Our little Mark is in Mexico this week and having a pretty shitty time of it, as it turns out. He wrote to me all about his misadventures down under, and mentioned what he was doing in Mexico, too. KAPOW!

Ay, Alex, mija.

Sooooo…. Marcover updates.

First things first….. (in the Tila Tequila/New York/Flava Flav voice): WE’RE GOING TO MEXICO!!!

Ok, well, we’re here, anyway. Its super pretty and warm, and I am pleased and my soul is at peace. I also have a super cute tan too, if I do say so myself.

Melanoma is adorable, yes.

On the physical front, Montezuma has avenged himself on me, and in the last two days I must have lost 10 lbs through my anus. SEXY. Seriously though, Mexico is like the best diet ever. I can’t even keep down anything I eat, so I haven’t eaten in two days. Even the smell of food makes me nauseous. Yay! Plus sightseeing is good exercise.

So, tomorrow we’re headed for Guadalajara (Mexico’s San Francisco, supposedly), where we’re going to same gay club. And then off to Puerto Vallarta, where the gays vacation. I’m pretty psyched. I’m totally hitting up some gay bars there, promise, mean it.

Totes jealous! The only place I ever get asked to dance is at gay bars. Probably because, despite my voluptuous figure, I’m often mistaken for a twink.

Today, here in Guanajuato, I totally took the Gay Shrink’s advice about approaching people you think are cute and saying “hello.” Anygay, I asked this super cute hipstertastic Mexican where to catch my bus, even though I knew it was right there. I think I learned this from “Legally Blonde” too. (Its a lot easier to play dumb as a tourist). Anyway, after that we made awkward eye contact for like 10 minutes, until he finally asked me where I was from and we talked until my bus came. His name was Diego, he had a faux-hawk and blue eyes, a cocky smile and as much hipster clothing as I could stomach. He studies here in Guanajuato and is a super nice boy. I’m not sure he was gay? But he did invite us out to dinner. Oooooh!

I said no, cuz I’m an idiot. But I’m not sure my stomach is ready for dinner dates anyway.

You’re an idiot. You only ever have to eat one thing on a date anyway.

And then I came home, and OMG! Someone from downelink (gay facebook, more or less) hit on me!!! Usually this is not promising, since I seem to mostly attract 40 year-old, aesthetically-challenged, “straight,” Dominican men who want to play hide the chorizo. But this guy was 22! And cute! Ay!!! But…. he just wasn’t my type. (el shrug)

So, yeah, thank you Guanabee. This has been great. I feel super more confident in pursuing my dreams in this wide world. I guess things just sound better in Spanish too. Quien sabe?

You’re welcome, Max. Uh Mark. You!

So, that’s it. Diarrhea, adorable Mexicans I want inside me, and boys from downelink that I don’t.

HuGs aNd BeSiToS!!! MaRkCiTo

I’m so, so happy that Mark is finally approaching guys instead of waiting for them to do all the dirty work. And that he’s found a diet he can stick to. And that he is (was) having a lot of fun in Mexico even though he didn’t take me and, actually, I don’t even remember him inviting me along even though, like, aren’t we best friends?

Whatever.

At least I’m not wearing what appears to be a giant fannypack.