The Gay Shrink Weighs In: Hugomi And S&M Sex Play

We’re still coming to terms with the visual implications of a love match between British supermodel Naomi Campbell and Venezuelan superprez Hugo Chavez. After spending most of the night curled up in the fetal position rocking ourselves back and forth saying, “Look mummy, there’s an aeroplane up in the sky,” while sipping Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea spiked with Similac, we were finally forced to move toward action when our roommate rushed in, slapped us silly, threw us head first into the cold shower and hit speed dial for the Gay Shrink. Turns out this situation could be much uglier than we thought. These two may be slapping each other silly all night long. But that’s when we realized, everything happens for a reason.

Weeks ago, to explain some of his headline grabbing behaviors, I suggested the Hugo Chavez may be experiencing a bout of mania.

Dating Naomi Campbell would certainly support yet another Serotonin challenged decision on his part. But, with new information that’s come to light courtesy of the astute editors of Guanabee:

He’s an iron-fisted control freak who shuts down dissenters without a second thought. She’s a cell-phone fisted control freak who shuts down dissenters with said cell phone across the head. She’s a fashion icon. He loves red shirts. They both make us want to die a little inside. Could be a love match.

I have evolved my theory in another direction. The coupling of Naomi Campbell and Hugo Chavez may suggest a relationship negotiated on the yin and yang of sexuality in its extreme—Sadomasochism. First, some definitions.

Sexual masochism

Masochism involves pleasure and excitement produced by pain, either inflicted by others or by oneself. An individual with this disorder achieves gratification by experiencing pain.

Sexual sadism

A sadistic individual achieves sexual gratification by inflicting pain on another person.

Now we all probably enjoy a little light S& M here and there, but when you imagine two high profile dictator types negotiating these roles in the bedroom, well—then you see why some folks need sleeping aids. In psychoanalytic theory, the sadist is confronting castration anxiety (In the sexist world of Freud there was nothing like having your penis cut off to make you feel like a big fat nothing) so they turn their
aggression outward and feel a sense of pleasure and relief from dominating the other and protecting their vulnerability from being exposed (so to speak). In masochism, aggression is turned inward, onto the self, when a person feels too guilty or is afraid to express it outwardly. Sometimes when one is too dominant in real life, they need to be punished or allow themselves to feel powerless to balance out that aggression. We have seen what Naomi can do with a phone and what Hugo can do to a country imagine the two of them fighting over a dildo and what the loser would have to endure!

Now, for any readers considering SM sex play it is important that a safe word is agreed upon by both parties to STOP the sex play if it becomes too painful, frightening, etc. I think “Hugomi” is a great word. It is a bit arresting and certainly, if you know what it means, will dampen any desire you have to hurt your partner any further! As with anything inspired by these two, proceed with caution.

Earlier: “El Gordo Y La Flaca” Say It Is So: Hugo And Naomi Sitting In A Completely Effed Up Tree