Feature: Choose Your Own Adventure-Election 2008

Still not sure who to vote for in the coming presidential election? Obama’s really cute, but Hillary’s got those nuts of steel. Then again, you’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a Log Cabin Republican? Well, flounder no more. Guanabee editor Cindy Casares has broken down the future according to each of the four remaining candidates’ platforms. Read on to find out what life will be like for American Latinos in 2009 and beyond.

Hillary Clinton:

The Economy:
• Hillary enacts marriage tax penalty relief. Unfortch we’re all unwed mothers.
• Child tax credit. We clean up on this.
• Innovative new high paying job market from legalized stem cell research means farmers can clone workers and Latino immigrants are no longer be needed in this country.

Healthcare
• Everyone now has insurance—whether you want it or not. Even that guy who never called you back that time who you wish would get gonorrhea and go blind. Even bloggers!

Iraq:
• Thousands of Latino veterans return home from the war we eventually pull out of. Many find employment building cyborg limbs for their disabled Veteran brethren as part of Hillary’s innovative new high paying job market.

Education:
• The minority drop out rate is cut in half. Guanabee is actually able to find people who can write to take over for us when we get too old to know who’s fucking that gay guy in RBD.

Immigration:
• The Border Wall is still on the table since she voted for it along with most of the Senate in a piece of legislation known as the Secure Fence Act of 2006. Latinos stand to earn thousands helping her to build it, though.

Barack Obama

Civil Rights:
• As promised, Obama ends racism. Immigrant day laborers begin earning six figure salaries. Unicorns run free on the White House lawn.

Economy:
• Tax cuts are enacted for the middle class instead of the wealthy: Fresas start shopping at Old Navy. We all enjoy a belly laugh and some Tostinos pizza rolls.
• NAFTA is fixed. But still no one has any idea what it is.

Iraq:
• Latino Veterans of the Iraq War (who are now home!) become the first wave of solar powered auto mechanics thanks to Obama’s green job development program. They put curb feelers on everything.

Technology:
• Guanabee triples readership as broadband finally makes it to the projects.

Immigration:
• The restaurant industry closes down after Obama cracks down on all employers who hire illegal workers and builds the wall on the Mexican border he voted for in 2006.

John McCain

Economy:
• Corporations get bigger tax breaks: Hooray?

Healthcare:
• Healthcare remains private, but becomes cheaper because everyone decides to take better care of themselves through the help of magic Republican elves.

Civil Rights:
• Gaytinos are denied marriage by the Supreme Court. Gabriel’s hopes of marrying Juanes are dashed forever.

Iraq:
• Troops stay in Iraq. Iran gets involved. Everyone dies. Except McCain who’s holed up in a bunker with Pamela Anderson and a metric ton of SPF 45.

Religion:
• Stem cell research is made illegal. Christopher Reeve attempts to fly backwards around the world in order to turn back time, but realizes he can’t because he’s paralyzed from the eyes down. And that was just a movie. And he’s dead.

Immigration:
• The border wall goes up. And Mexico decides to join Hugo Chavez and the Latin American alliance. Chavez and Luis Miguel produce a duet album that goes platinum on the Latin charts.

Veterans Rights:
• Tens of thousands of Latino Veterans have great healthcare and benefits. Unfortunately, they’re all dead.

Bill of Rights:
• Everyone has a gun.

Mike Huckabee

Immigration:
• The border fence plan is expanded to an iron fort surrounded by a moat filled with Louisana swamp alligators previously displaced by Katrina. All of this is done by July 1, 2010.
• America is thrown into a horrible famine as the food industry shuts down without anyone to pick, cook or serve us oversized portions of deep-fried vegetables covered in Jack Daniels® ranch sauce.

Healthcare:
• Which is fine because the healthcare system is now a complete clusterfuck, so you’re going to die anyway.

Iraq:
• Is now a big pile of ash.

The Arts:
• Music gets better both because of Huckabee’s emphasis on the arts and the fact that everyone is experiencing such extreme suffering.

Civil Rights:
• Gaytinos can’t marry, but they are asked to adopt the overflow of babies who can no longer be legally aborted.

Diplomacy:
• Trade embargoes on Cuba remain, but their healthcare is now better than ours. Michael Moore becomes the country’s most successful coyote smuggling wealthy white Americans to Havana for doctor visits.

Bill of Rights:
• Everyone has a gun!