Gaybriel Explains Everything Gay And Latino: The Gay Latina Diva Scorecard, Part 1

In Latin America homosexuals are still considered the unfortunate other. Even progressive homochummy Latinos are sometimes clueless as to how to deal with their gay friends. An issue that sometimes reflects this country’s prevailing attitudes towards Latinos in general. We’re living in an era where Latinos, like gays, are demonized to the point where it is considered righteous, even patriotic, to bash, degrade, and even kill Latinos and immigrants. To gay people, this inquisition sounds all too familiar. For your edification in all things homo, gaythority Bosrican is gonna dig deep into the thresh-holes of gay Latino subject matter. We’ll see if your rectum is truly straight.

My last feature incited curiosity and debate among our readers about which Latina celebrities, past and present, have served as icons to the gay Latino community. Even though we all grew up dressing like looking up to artists such as Madonna, who crossed cultural and good-taste boundaries, we gay Latinos have a bunch of flaming divas all our own. So sharpen your judging instincts boys and girls, and let’s rate them divas down:

La Lupe

• Résumé: Cuban-born “La Lupe”, was probably the most famous Latina singer of the 60s. She was the first Latin American singer to sell out a concert at Madison Square Garden and she recorded dozens of albums during her lifetime. Her music is just as famous as her cocaine-fueled live performances, which make Amy Winehouse look like Hannah Montana.
• Why She’s A Gay Diva: Her daring performances were completely charged with clit-out sexuality, making even the most seasoned perverts blush. Plus it takes real cojones to perform in front of a live audience while riding a cocaine, amphetamine, and booze train. She’s also a favorite of Pedro Almodovar, who used her song “Puro Teatro” in Mujeres al Borde de un Ataque de Nervios. Did we mention she named her daughter Rainbow? Um, how gay is that? Then there’s this:

  Anti-Fidel Audacity. Let La Lupe show you it.

• Why We May Take Her Gay Card Away: After practicing Santeria most of her life, La Lupe went to one of those Evangelical Christian freakshows revivals where she was miraculously “healed” and immediately converted into a Born-Again Christian. Wasn’t cocaine heavenly enough?
• Verdict: Religious fervor is a minor inconsistency in an otherwise trend-setting, drugged-out, tragically-hip, stellar diva life. If the current batch of Latina fake-ivas had but a fraction of La Lupe’s flavor, I would actually pay attention to them. I’m looking at you Jennifer “Code Pink” Lopez.

Xuxa

• Résumé: Brazilian-born bombshell Xuxa is one of the most famous icons ever to come out of Brazil. The other one being Pelé, whom she fucked, thank you very much. In a country of 184 million people, you’d be hard pressed to find a garoto there who doesn’t know her. Maybe because her third album is the best-selling album in Brazilian history, with almost 4 million copies sold. The blonde, blue-eyed firecracker became more famous than god in 1986 for her children’s television show called Xou da Xuxa, which forever redefined the category. The formula? Feature a scantily-clad, hot Brazilian and watch the children and pervy adults flock by the millions.
• Why She’s A Gay Diva: She came from nothing, and became the most fabulous Brazilian in decades on little more than her unequivocal sex appeal. The gayzilians loooooove that shit. Have you seen a Brazilian gay pride float not playing her music? Didn’t think so. She also has an affinity for white go-go boots and hot pants and has elevated cock-teasing to an art form.
• Why We May Take Her Gay Card Away:

  (Warning: Video NSFW)
  

  Her “clothing” in those photos is simply unforgivable. And so is whoreing in front of a child. Leave that to the clergy, girlfriend.

• Verdict: Although the Brazilians are absolutely bonkers about her, Xuxa is more like a diva in training. Face it, she’s too young, clean, and pristine. Although I adore the fact that she’s of German, Austrian, Italian and Polish descent [Ed. Note: Xuxa, do you have a brother?]. I would be willing to reconsider her status if she met Giselle to smack a bitch up. That, or get all pyro on our asses.

Walter Mercado

• Résumé: Ultra fabulous Puerto Rican astrologer and television personality. Walter has entertained, educated, and spiritually guided all of our abuelas for over 40 years.
• Why She’s A Gay Diva: No matter how vague and homogeneous his advice may be, Walter’s sense of style more than makes up it. He wears outfits that would make Liberace cry and Louis XV think him garish. And can we please talk about the tautness of his skin? I mean, he’s 10 minutes older than dirt but somehow he looks younger every year. All of which make his fagdom burn so bright, he’s almost beyond sexuality. But his most important legacy is teaching people to be proud of who they are, gold capes, acrylics and all.
• Why We May Take Her Gay Card Away: Walter has always refused to discuss his sexuality. Hmm, sounds like somebody we know.
• Verdict: Despite his tight-lippedness about who he’s boinking, Walter cannot but sashay down the diva catwalk in platform boots while eating gay baby cakes for tea. Girlfriend defines what it means to be a Diva. I mean, have you ever seen him without makeup, embroidered cape, or one strand of hair out of place?

La Abeja Maya



• Résumé: Fag-hag bee protagonist of the much-beloved animated television series “La Abeja Maya“. Yes, I know the original story is German, and the animated show is Japanese. This shit was translated into 17 languages, including Spanish, where it shaped many a young marica.
• Why She’s A Gay Diva: Maya escapes the hive looking to slut out while befriending all the insect world outcasts: namely gaysects. One of these buggerbugs includes Willie, a stoner bee who binges on honey and spends the day sleeping. Sounds remarkably like all my gay friends. Except with a more methy honey.
• Why We May Take Her Gay Card Away: She’s always thinking about the mother she left behind, which somehow triggered a Freudian reverse-oedipal, Roman-Catholic upbringing clusterfuck guilt trip every fucking Saturday morning! That, and she wears horizontal black stripes. A world of no.
• Verdict: Before Lil’ Kim usurped the Queen Bee title, there was Miss Maya, the real thing. Maya’s an outcast, wears an afro with aplomb, and revels in her Reubenesque figure. And she made running away from home seem totally hot. Which it is.

Menudo



• Résumé: Puerto Rican pre-pubescent boy band that launched a thousand shrieks, imitations, and unfortunate hair don’ts.
• Why They’re Gay Divas: Four Words: Enrique José Martín Morales.
• Why We May Take Their Gay Card Away: This right here:

  

  Um, yeah. I need to throw acid on my eyeballs to wash that image away. Although Xavier’s looking kinda hung. Did I just type that?

• Verdict: Not only did they cover ABBA, but had song titles like: Súbete a Mi Moto (Come Ride my Bike), A Volar (Let’s Fly), Sabes a Chocolate (You taste like chocolate), Like a Cannonball, and Cámbiale las Pilas (Change the Batteries). It is safe to assume that these boys are all diva all the time. I mean, they made wearing spandex, leather, and teased hair a phenomenon in my homeland. And they wonder why I’m gay…

I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse at the divas who helped to shape my particular gaytinoness. Perhaps you’re too young to know any some of them. In which case, go fuck yourself, brat. One thing is clear: It’s never too late to learn from the fabulosity of these divas: La Lupe brought an Olympic fervor to cocaine use, yet never made a fool of herself. Xuxa reminded us that good tits and ass, not talent, is what really matters to get ahead. Walter is proof (poof?) that if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, it’s ok to baffle them with bullshit. La Abeja Maya taught us that it’s OK to date a WASP. And Menudo, well, Menudo is the reason I still wear Taffeta, teal assless chaps, and AquaNet. Thank you very little.