Jennifer Lopez, as her interview with Harper Bazaar reveals, is not so much “real” as she is “really, really out of touch with reality.” In the interview, Jennifer talks about her jewelry, a new perfume she’s coming out with and what a big, fat lying heffer she is when it came to her pregnancy. But mostly, she just makes sure we’re all very aware that we aren’t as fabulous…ly real?…as she is. To wit:

“I’d just come from the studio with this long caftan on, no makeup, but I had all my diamonds and some wood jewelry,” she remembers. “A weird mix of earth and glamour.”

More like a weird mix of “what” and “the fuck?!” On keeping her private life private and, ironically, on announcing pregnancy in the midst of her tour:

“I do realize people want to know because they’re interested, but this is the first time I’m going through this,” Jennifer says. “This is my experience and my husband’s experience, and we get to hold that for a little while.” Then she grins, sneaking one more spoonful of chocolate mousse. “We’re just getting used to the fact we’ve told everybody. I kind of feel like everybody knew anyway,” she laughs. “I was on tour with a bubble gut!”

Nah. And, like any heavily pregnant woman,the exceedingly private Jennifer Lopez makes sure to place her health first:

“Once I did the tour, I really just wanted to shut it down, and since then I’ve had to do three things, including a video. It may not sounds like a lot, but you know, at this point, any woman can sympathize. It is a lot. I was ready to just sit.”

Among animals purchased at F.A.O. Shwartz? Watch out for that lion, he will cuddle the shit out of you. Fiercely.

But Jennifer never sits still for long. Rising gracefully from the banquette, she reveals a killer pair a stage worthy six-inch stilettos.

So we guess our ovaries must me made of steel or tar because there is no way we can sympathize or empathize with Jennifer Lopez. We only wear six-inch stilettos when we’re completely horizontal, with a webcam on. Eating chocolate mousse. While a giraffe peeks out over our shoulder. Eastern European fetish sites pay a tidy sum for such scenarios.

Jennifer’s Latest Desire [Harper’s Bazaar, not available online]