Mario Lopez: actor, pageant host, dimples and Jheri Curl, was on hand to distribute Valentine’s Day presents (mostly vibrating thongs) and cupcakes to small, sickly children at the Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center. He also took the opportunity to introduce his beefy new girlfriend.

When asked to comment on his udderly beautiful relationship, Mario said, “This is not an actual quote by Mario Lopez.” Exactly. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Stupid heifer.

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