Top 14 Songs For Valentine’s Day

Aww, Valentine’s Day. Most of you hate it. A select few love it. Whatever your particular case may be, this list– in no particular order– has our top 14+ songs for just about every kind of lover out there. But if we missed your favorite smooching number, go ahead and tell us in the comments section. The songs and categories after the jump:

1. All Sentient Beings: “Sexual Healing” — Marvin Gaye.
Probably the song with the most mass appeal. This Soul classic, released as a single by Marvin Gaye on the album “Midnight Love” in 1982, is a must-listen for anyone who has a heart. Even if it’s a tiny heart. Like a blog publisher’s.

2. Low-confidence Lonely’s: “Sexual Seduction” — Snoop Dog
If you need to fake assurance, this is your piece. The carefree 70’s inspired intro, accompanied by the fast beat base, has us air-humping in no time.

3. Melancholic Machos: “La Media Vuelta” — Luis Miguel
The macho lyrics of this Mariachi anthem performed by Luis Miguel will bring you back to your homeland, if that happens to be Mexico, and will have you approaching people in the street and telling them how you can dump them whenever you want. Best to play it to someone who does not understand Spanish.

4. Regretful Desperados: “Miss You” — Rolling Stones
If that last song had you dumping someone that you now want back, make sure you play this song on your boombox outside their window tonight. Props like tight jeans and a shirt unbuttoned to your navel will help sway your other half back into your arms where they belong. (And be sure to look out for the Puerto Rican girl shout out from Mick!)

5. Secret Crushes: “My Cherie Amour” — Stevie Wonder
Are you too shy to tell that special someone you love them? Too pussy to climb over that mountain of possible rejection? Fear no more. Stevie can help. Dude’s blind and he can get any chick he wants. You know why? Because he sings from the heart. Now go and do the same. Tell that person you’ve been gawking at for months that you love them. Tonight!

6. Baby Take Off Your Sarong: “So Nice” — Bebel Gilberto
This song has the effect of transforming your living room into a deserted beach in Brazil. Slip your lover right out of those support hose and right into a tie-died sarong to get all schweaty witcha while you feel her mangos and she peels your banana.

7. Complicated Hipster”: “Anyone Else But You” — The Moldy Peaches
This song by a band named after expired fruit is too cool for anyone who is not super skinny with a ghostly white hide and a smile of indifference. Actually, we find it hard to believe people like that ever get laid. So if you are not one of them, you might want to skip ahead.

8. Country Cheese Ball:“I Need You” — Tim Mcgraw (Feat. Faith Hill)
Even though the music video for this love ballad by country music’s first couple does not feature bouquets of roses cross-dissolving into pictures of lovers having a hay fight in a barn, the lyrics are cheesy enough to satisfy the most hard core of Nashville fans. If you dig it, please tell us why.

9. I’m Not Old, I’m Experienced: “My Baby Just Cares For Me” — Nina Simone
Show your lover you know how to kick it old school with this diddy that’ll put you in a romantic Paris cafe in the 1920’s or a Nina Simone concert in the 1950’s. Either way, people dressed a hell of a lot better than jeans falling down around their ass.

10. Hysterical Martyr: “Ne Me Quitte Pas” — Jacques Brel
This chançon by famous Frenchman Belgian Jacques Brel is for anyone chain smoking their way through this Valentine’s Day, sucking down thin cigarettes, sitting sideways in a small chair, staring out a window while cursing existence and the partner who left them here. Ah, l’amour.

11. Suicidal : “Hurt” — Johnny Cash
This Nine Inch Nails cover by country legend Johnny Cash makes us want to kill ourselves. And what could be more romantic than that? And if it doesn’t inspire you to off yourself, at least you’ll finally get the message that “everyone goes away in the end.” So get over it and pass the chocolate.

12. Psycho Love: “Laid” — James
Love makes everybody crazy, but some of us more than others! If you’ve ever stalked anyone, or better yet, fallen in love with your stalker, this romantic ballad is just for you. Dye my eyes and call me pretty.

13. Asian Girlfriend Phase: “China Girl” — David Bowie
Exoticism is hot! Why not try some of your own? We’ve all been there. Or known an Englishman who has. Those Asian women are pretty damn sexy. If you love one, or just like to role play, this one will have your Madame Butterfly opening up like a Jade Flower. Wah, wah, wah…

14. Rainy Day Valentine: “My Funny Valentine” — Chet Baker
Despite its rather fun sounding title, this song is the total Debbie Downer of the list. (And THAT’s saying something.) But guess what? Depression makes a lot of people really horny. So if the weather’s crappy outside, put this classic number on and cuddle up with your lover by the fire with some hot cocoa and some even hotter nipple clamps. Sex!

15. Overachieving Type-A Love: “Nobody Does It Better”–Carly Simon
If your lover is a perfectionist–and let’s face it anybody who was lucky enough to catch you would have to be, huh?–this is the perfect song to seduce them with. Especially if they fancy the idea of espionage and Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Put this one on after dinner and watch their golden gun come out for your eyes only.

*If you have trouble accessing the playlist above you can visit it directly at: Top 14 Songs For Valentine’s Day.