Well, Valentine’s Day — our least favorite holiday — is next week, as the unending assault of red and pink on our eyeballs has not allowed us to forget. As such, businesses everywhere are bombarding us with gift ideas that are completely and utterly useless. If you weren’t going to get into our Hugo Chavez booty shorts before, buying us a box of chocolate isn’t really going to change things. Unless maybe it’s Godiva. Or a chocolate flask of tequila.

Anyway. Here are some slightly offensive gift ideas from a company we’ve never heard of, followed by our own suggestions for what to get your spicy hot tamale of a Latino boyfriend and/or girlfriend this Valentine’s Day:

10. Flowers & Chocolate

Spice up the classic gift with a colorful mixture of tropical flowers, paired with chocolate, Montezuma’s aphrodisiac of choice. $40 & up

We say:

A month’s worth of double AA batteries is more practical because, dude, seriously.

9. Besos Piñata

Give your sweetie a big red lip-shaped piñata when hit the sounds of kisses will fill the air and foil-wrapped lip chocolates will sprinkle the ground as you give “lip-smacking” a new definition. $40

We say:

You give us a piñata this Valentine’s Day and lip smacking will take on a different meaning entirely.

8. Book of Romantic Poetry

When love is beyond your own words, let Spanish poets Pablo Neruda, Ruben Dario, or another Latin linguist express it for you. $15 & up

We say:

Aw, ok. This is too easy. But, then again… The only linguistics we can bear are of the cunning variety.

7. Latin Lover Teddy Bears

Remember your one and only Papi Chulo or Mamacita with a 15” huggable Vermont Teddy Bear Gram delivered with a custom message and chocolates. $69 each

We say:

Call us Mamacita and you’ll be shot. Give us a $69 Teddy Bear and you’ll find yourself waking up, disoriented, in the middle of a leather bar, where a bear named Teddy will show you with great enthusiasm exactly what 69 is worth.

6. Dulce Palabras

Discover new ways to say “Te Amo” with this painted tin box, filled with bilingual love quotes hotter than a jalepeño. $30

We say:

That’s not what we meant by bilingual, kthnx.

5. Flaming Heart

Let your love be on display every day with a flaming heart wall decoration that will set your lover’s heart on fire. $18

We say:

Flaming is right.

4. Faith, Hope & Love

Spread the gifts of faith, hope & love to your eternal Valentine with a beautiful cross . $18

We say:

Jesus hates you.

3. Jewelry

What woman doesn’t want jewelry? Diamonds always work but for something different a heart-shaped pair of turquoise earrings and a necklace will show her three times the love. $36

We say:

Handcuffs are stylish and practical.

2. Serenade Your Loved One

Announce your love to the world (or at least the neighborhood) by hiring a mariachi or trio to pluck at their heartstrings. $250 & up

We say:

We will actually quite literally pluck at your heartstrings if you ever do this.

1. Tango for Two in Argentina

What could be more romantic than sweeping your lover off his or her feet under the starlit evening sky of Buenos Aires? Priceless.

We say:

That actually sounds terribly romantic! And kind of the total opposite of priceless!

You know what does sound good for Valentine’s Day, though? Sitting on the couch with you and a box of Chinese take-out, watching an old movie on TV.

And then using those handcuffs.

♥

Top Ten Gifts for the Latin Lover in You [PR Web]