When the steady saturation of celebrities in Vogue made Guanabee contributing editor Marytza Rubio suspect someone in the mail room had switched her expensive foreign magazines for Variety, she realized this is a trend to be explored.

Like each new season of America’s Next Top Model, fashion is cyclic. (How many times have you lived through the 80’s now? If you’re lucky, you’ll have three more chances to wear Day-Glo.) But unlike Tyra’s show, the corporate suits at the fashion houses are looking for top models that can actually sell. And girls like Alekkksandrye from Lithuania or Candelaria from Brazil are a dime a dozen when eating disorders, tans, and fake bodies are so accessible.

Like each new season of America’s Next Top Model, fashion is cyclic. (How many times have you lived through the 80’s now? If you’re lucky, you’ll have three more chances to wear Day-Glo.) But unlike Tyra’s show, the corporate suits at the fashion houses are looking for top models that can actually sell. And girls like Alekkksandrye from Lithuania or Candelaria from Brazil are a dime a dozen when eating disorders, tans, and fake bodies are so accessible.

How to keep the competitive edge? Tap into another market of attention-seeking, beautiful women. And where better than Hollywood? These days, it seems Hollywood is to the fashion industry what India is to my Capital One debt. But is the choice to outsource labor always a good one? Like I tell my homie in New Delhi every Friday at 6:17pm, “it’s complicated.” On the one hand, an actress may fit a brand perfectly and simultaneously increase cachet both for herself and the brand. Or, she can fail miserably like Sarah Jessica Parker for The Gap. And just like in movie making, when it comes to what works, nobody knows anything.

To illustrate, I’ve taken apart the most recent campaigns I could find from foreign publications. Most are high fashion, (I’m looking down my nose as I type that), but it’s an all over the place trend. So unexclusive. (In fact, I just saw Vanessa Hudgens for Mark Ecko Red. She should’ve waited for Steve Madden.) Using my predictive tools of NoDoz and free association, I will attempt to determine, or suggest, which celebs these houses will go with next.

Miu Miu:
Milanese women’s libber Miuccia Prada reluctantly took over her grandfather’s house of Prada after receiving her PhD in super trendy political science. Her secondary line, Miu Miu (me-you me-you) after her nickname, contains more earthy looks inspired by her Communist background.

Past Spokescelebs: Kim Basinger, Maggie Gyllenhall, and ultra-feminist Lindsay Lohan

Current Choice: Kristen Dunst, everyone’s favorite child vampire dressed up like a whorey Shirley Temple.

Next: Reese Witherspoon. She’s blonde like Dunst and Basinger and somewhere between their age range. She’s dating Maggie’s bro, Jake. And both Lindsay and Reese starred in horrible movies with Southern states in the title: Georgia Rule, and Sweet Home Alabama respectively.

Chanel:
Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel, known for “The Little Black Dress”, “The Chanel Suit” and “The Nazi Lover”. Her legendary perfume, Chanel No.5, smells expensive even when rubbed off from magazine ad inserts. When she returned from the war with everyone hating her for loving Germans, she totally dissed post-war fashion, often complaining that it was run by men who knew nothing of woman’s bodies. Word. Chanel never married, claiming she would never let a man define her. Her successor is Karl “Kaiser” Lagerfeld.

Past Spokesceleb: Nicole Kidman, milking the Moulin Rouge association for Chanel No.5

Current Perfume Choice: Perfume – Coco Mademoiselle
In this i have no idea how to embed video commercial, Kiera Knightly is getting ready for a night out. Playing coy and cute with her man, this behavior resembles reports of what Mme. Coco’s early love life was like.

Next: Honestly? Paris Hilton would’ve been a more accurate comparison to Coco.

Current Ready to Wear Choice: Supermodel Claudia Schiffer started her career with Lagerfeld and is now using her kitsch factor and black and white photography to revitalize it.

Next: Karl’s already jocking her style, so obvs. Amy Winehouse.

Balenciaga:
One of the men on Chanel’s shit list, Spanish designer Cristobal Balehnseeahguh was a perfectionist couturier known for his voluminous, sometimes awkward, silhouettes. He hated French ready to wear fashion. Meticulous as he was skilled, Balenciaga dressed high society ladies and royalty, often pulling inspiration from classic Spanish artworks and culture. His beautiful dresses have influenced designers like Oscar de la Renta and Givenchy and his house is currently under the direction of Frenchman Nicolas Ghesquire.

Past Spokesceleb: As if. The man thought guys like Ghesquière were downmarket.

Current Choice: Jennifer “Ass to Ass!” Connelly

Next: A hanger.

Louis Vuitton:
The guy was a trunk maker. Then he died and his family took over. Then, again with the Nazi’s. Then, the company joined forces with alcohol companies Moet & Chandon and Hennessey. Then Marc Jacobs came on board and said, “No guys. Like this!” Then some Japanese artist painted flowers and eyeballs all over the LV leather and every single seventh grader had one of those bags/wallets/cell phone cases/ birth control pill holders. LVMH is one of the largest luxury groups in the world. It also owns the house of Christian Dior (Coco enemy #2) TagHeuer, Fendi and Sephora. Their biggest rival for global domination is Gucci’s daddy PPR (Pinault-Printemps-Redoute).

Past Spokescelebs: Umm…who hasn’t been a Louis Vuitton spokesperson? Andre Agassi, Christina Ricci, Catherine Deneuve, Chloe Sevigny, Jennifer Lopez, Uma Thurman, Mikhail Gorbachev y tu mamá tambien, güey.

Current Choice: In Fashionlandia LV’s somewhere between 1988 and1993. Which is lucky for the following supermodels from the “Freedom” video who don’t currently find themselves designing for Linens ‘n’ Things or saving El Salvadoria or whatever: Chanel two-timer Claudia Schiffer, Naomi “I’ll Cut You” Campbell, and Axl Rose’s former punching bag Stephanie Seymour. For now, they’re lounging like lowrider hos in LV’s print campaign for Summer 2008.

Next: Keith Richards has a foot in the door, but how awesome would it be if it was Little Valentina Pinault?

Marc Jacobs:
The one, the only… the American on the list. Even though he is morphing into Tom Ford, he maintains his creativity and a committed following among both celebrities and all you lowly regular people. Anytime I talk to high school girls about fashion design, none of them are interested in the fascinating contributions of the silkworm or what A-Line means. It’s all “how do I become the next Marc Jacobs?” Why? Because he’s rich! Everyone talks about him! And I can see his clavicle! Bola.

Past Spokescelebs: Jacobs showed his sense of humor when he gave shoplifter Winona Ryder his Spring/Summer 2003 ad campaign after she got caught stealing his shit in Beverly Hills.

And here’s Dakota Fanning looking ultra creepy in Jacob’s Spring/Summer 2007.

Current Choice: English musical artist MIA is not a Rocawear model but she’s shilling for Jacob’s secondary line Marc by Marc Jacobs. Posh Spice is repping his primary:

That layout could only have been improved by the presence of L’il Kim.

Next: I don’t know. The girl from Juno? The chick who wrote it?

In today’s fashion world, the girls who appear on “Top Model” have as much chance of becoming a top model as I do of making my credit card payments on time. Because even when the fashion brands can’t find a famous face to front them, they just pretend like Guess? did here:

Next year: Some model as Anna Nicole, who began her career dressing for Guess? as Marylin Monroe. Ugh, my head hurts.