Our Top Ten Most Heinous Stage Parents Will Have You Posing Naked For Coke Money In No Time

You think you've got it bad because your mom hits you upside the head with a chancleta for being a sinvergüenza? Scoff! Fool. Thank your lucky stars all you've got is a flip-flop shaped mark on your cheek instead of an empty bank account, alcohol dependency problem and a dubious future starring in Skinemax movies. A "stage parent" is one so involved in their famous child's career that the line between caregiver and fame-hungry parasite becomes blurred, like when our mom borrows our shoes. So, without further ado, here it be, y'all: "Guanabee's list of the Top Ten Most Heinous Stage Parents." 10. Jeff Archuleta Parent of: David Archuleta, current "American Idol" contestant and future Messiah What makes him heinous: Reports say he shouted at that little chalupa of cuteness, David, and made him cry. He is also rumored to have intimidated David's fellow competitors when he was a contestant on "Star Search." Also, his fans are creepy. Where is he now?: Paying people to defend him on sites that cater to the spicy Latino in you. Fun fact: That eye witness sketch is basically the only decent image of Jeff we can seem to find. 9. Patsy Ramsey Parent of: JonBenét Ramsey, slain beauty pageant contestant What makes her heinous: Besides dressing her 6-year-old daughter like an extra from "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" and adding a ridiculous accent to an already ridiculous Fauxrench name, some suspect Patsy, herself a former beauty queen, of knowing more than she let on concerning the murky circumstances surrounding JonBenét's 1996 murder. Where is she now?: Patsy died of ovarian cancer in June of 2006 and is buried next to her daughter. Fun fact: Liza Minelli played a character based on Patsy Ramsey on an episode of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent." 8. Wanda Holloway Parent of: Some cheerleader. Why she's heinous: In 1991, Wanda hired her brother-in-law to kill the mother of her thirteen-year-old daughter's cheerleading rival. Where is she now?: Wanda was released from jail in March of 1997, after serving six months of her 10 year sentence, the rest of which was served on probation. Fun fact: Wanda's case is the subject of at least two movies, The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom and Willing to Kill: the Texas Cheerleader Story. 7. Jaid Barrymore Parent of: Drew Barrymore, actress and professional adorable smirker Why she's heinous: Jaid took little Drew out partying when she was a mere pre-teen, resulting in two trips in rehab for her precocious daughter at ages 13 and 14. Where is she now?: Estranged from her famous daughter, fading into obscurity as a mere footnote in Drew's "True Hollywood Story." Fun fact: Jaid posed for Playboy in September 1995... just a short eight months after her daughter did. 6. Rose Hovick Parent of: Gypsy Rose Lee, famed burlesque performer and writer, and June Havoc, an actress Why she's heinous: Rent Gypsy and you'll find out. Mama Rose was a ruthless, domineering stage mother who pushed her daughters, especially Gypsy, into the spotlight, regardless of their desires or levels of talent. Where is she now?: Six feet under. Fun fact: She's been played by a range of actresses on screen and stage, including Angela Lansbury and Ethel Merman. 5. Dina Lohan Parent of: Lindsay Lohan, fully loaded actress Why she's heinous: She's from Long Island. She's also willing to pimp out her young daughter, especially playing up her sexuality and drug abuse. Dina is ready and willing to comment on her daughter's personal life, from sexual partners to stints in rehab, at the drop of a velour hoodie. Where is she now?: Dina is currently shooting a reality series with her latest project, younger daughter Ali. Fun fact: While Dina claimed to be a former Rockette in New York City, there is, in fact, no record of her ever having worked as one. 4. Kit Culkin Parent of: Macaulay Culkin, actor, and his dozens of lesser-known acting siblings who all look exactly alike Why he's heinous: A former Broadway performer, Kit used three of his children (Macaulay, Kieran and Rory - but especially Macaulay) as a means of living out his own acting aspirations. He was notoriously difficult to work with, often using threats to land choice roles for young Macaulay. He's also been accused of treating his children shabbily while enjoying the money they made as actors. Where is he now?: Still not being a famous actor. Fun fact: While never rising to fame himself, Kit did star with a few pretty big names while acting on Broadway, including Sexican Anthony Quinn. 3. Gertrude Temple Parent of: Shirley Temple, child star and diplomat who, at 80 years old, is still infinitely cuter than a puppy wearing a bonnet on a tiny sailboat Why she's heinous: She made life impossible for little Shirley, and constantly harassed producers. For example, Shirley reportedly lost out on a role in the "Our Gang" / "The Little Rascals" series because her mother demanded that her daughter receive top billing. Where is she now?: In that big, big backstage in the sky. Fun fact: Gertrude insisted little Shirley's trademark pin curls always numbered no more and no less than 56 in number. 2. Joe Simpson Parent of: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, sometime-blondes Why he's heinous: He's creepy. A former Baptist minister, Joe now spends his days discussing his daughters' hymens, breasts and talents (which is a euphemism for "hymens, breasts") to any media outlet that will listen. Where is he now?: Running his own record label, "Papa Joe Records," and producing straight-to-DVD movies starring his older daughter, Jessica. Fun fact: Arcade Fire's "(Antichrist Television Blues)" on their album Neon Bible is purportedly about Joe Simpson and features the lyrics:

Little girl, you're old enough to understand You'll always be a stranger in a strange, strange land Men are going to come while you're fast asleep So you better just stay close and hold onto me If mama's mockingbird don't sing well, Then daddy won't buy her no diamond ring

Dear God, would you send me a child? Oh God, would you send me a child? Because I want to put it up on the TV screen So the world can see what your true word means Lord, won't you send me a sign? Because I just got to know if I'm wasting my time

1. Joseph Jackson Parent of: Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, LaToya, Marlon, Michael, Randy and Janet. Some are performers, all eat earthworms while talking to the moon. What makes him heinous: Where to start? His eyebrows. Withholding affection from his children, embarking on a numerous affairs and then refusing to leave his mansion each time his wife asked for a divorce, physically abusing his children. His eyebrows. Where is he now?: Joseph has hinted that he will start a boot camp for aspiring hip-hop artists. Although he's probably just drawing on eyebrows while burning hundred dollar bills in his Las Vegas home. Fun fact: When faced with allegations that he beat young Michael, gentleman / scholar Joesph Jackson responded, "I whipped him with a switch and a belt. I never beat him. You beat someone with a stick."