The International Fuckability Hierarchy Index: Latin Countries

Guanabee contributing editor Gabriel Caro wonders aloud if where you were born has an effect on how much action you get.

Have you ever wondered why some nationalities have more cachet than others? Or, to put it more bluntly, are you having trouble getting laid while your friends are getting more ass than a bus seat in midtown Manhattan? Have you considered that the reason might be the place you were born? Like the Mexican nopal on the forehead or the Puerto Rican plantain stain (mancha de plátano), no doubt about it, there’s an implicit hierarchy among countries that influences whether legs will open or close in your proximity. After spending years researching this topic in the bathhouses, I have come up with a scientific formula of your birthplace’s fuckability. Since “everybody” agrees that the Latins have the most mojo (natch), I am starting with those countries. Without further ado, behold the mathematical brilliance:

Finding Out Your Country’s Fuckability Value (or CFVs)

• Argentina: Argentina can boast about many things the US will never have: a female president, OKness with the gayness, and a more than decent soccer team. But before you peg Argentina as a one-trick-Perón, remember that the argentinos have also given us tango, Mendoza wine, and Borges. Then again, they also gave us Martín Fierro and Diego Maradona, not to mention inspired Andrew Lloyd Webber to write “Don’t cry for me Argentina”, which is probably the gayest song ever to hit Broadway. (CFV = 80)
• Bolivia: Bolivia has elected neosocialist Evo Morales, who stole our hearts after he pleaded with Jon Stewart not to label him part of the axis of evil. However, don’t let the name of the capital La Paz fool you. That place makes the Middle East look like Connecticut. (CFV = 40)
• Brazil: The world seems to love Brazilians in all their g-string and glittery splendor, which makes them highly prized in the sack. Brazil is the largest country in Latin America, a characteristic which seems to correspond with its people’s asses and cocks. I personally love Brazil because It’s given us the unstoppable Xuxa, Funk da Cueca, and the mighty cachaça. They also speak Portuguese, which can be sexy yet soporific. (CFV = 75)
• Chile: Like their ubiquitous sea basses, Chileans are here to stay, way too expensive, and not that great for the environment. And yet, there’s something rather attractive about a country that’s long, thick, and erect with a curve at the end called, of all things, Tierra del Fuego. And how could you not like the place that gave us Pablo Neruda? However, it’s all fun and games until Pinochet comes and kills all your family. (CFV = 60)
• Colombia: Land of emeralds, flowers, beautiful beaches and acres upon acres of coca and marijuana. What’s not to love? Well, I’ll tell you: Colombia has hot women, but the men leave something to be desired (see Juanes and Carlos Vives.) Not to mention this little country has kept the third world real with the kidnappyness of it all. And Shakira’s “Hips don’t lie” totally gives everyone who hears it aural herpes. (CFV = 60)
• Costa Rica: This is a cute, curious little country. It earns massive points for not having an army, which is kinda foolish if you have Nicaragua for a neighbor. Nonetheless, there’s more biodiversity here than you can shake a hunting rifle at (the animals on the endangered list make a particularly awesome ceviche). We’re sold on the happy-go-lucky attitudes of the Ticos, but San Jose blows. And don’t even get me started on their airport. (CFV = 60)
• Cuba: Thanks to the foreign policy bitchfest between the US and Cuba, we only get to experience a very skewed version of what an Authentic Cuban (r) person is like. So it was with great shock that I came to realize they don’t all wear circa 1983-inspired track suits and smoke cigars, or that they aren’t all gay writers with a penchant for bathroom sex. Shocker. However, since the rest of the free world can travel to Cuba we hear they’re pretty nice and the sex trade is good. Sadly there’s Fidel. And Gloria Estefan. (CFV = 50)
• Dominican Republic: The poor man’s Puerto Rico. What can I say about a country that’s given us David Ortiz, Juan Luis Guerra, and Mangu? Mmmmm. But ask any resident of Manhattan’s Lower East Side, Washington Heights, New Jersey or Puerto Rico and they’ll tell you Dominicans are a plague force to be reckoned with. You’re kinda fucked when the Puerto Ricans consider you lower on the totem pole. (CFV = 40)
• Ecuador: Ecuador is part of the triumvirate of countries that has provided every restaurant kitchen with their much needed busboy staffing needs. The other two being Honduras and El Salvador. So, since we can’t imagine a life where we would have to cook, let alone clean for ourselves, Ecuadorians get some pity extra points for that. However, if memory serves correctly, Ecuadorians will fall asleep on your ass during sex. Not that I’ve ever slept with a busboy. Much. (CFV = 35)
• El Salvador: As previously mentioned, my exposure to Salvadorians are limited to polite exchanges like: “Yes, I’m done, you can take the plate away.” Or “Can I get that burger with extra ‘lettuce’, ‘wink’ ‘wink’”. In other words, Salvadorians are hard workers and work hard to please. Also, these adorable little munchkins have given us the best snack ever: the mighty pupusa. And who during a particularly dry month is not willing to give up the cherry for a nice pupusa? (CFV = 35)
• Guatemala: I had a political science professor in college from Guatemala. He had been teaching for over 30 years and, according to him, had never missed a single class during his tenure. He had the most impressive brain that I have ever encountered and his exams bordered on S/M power plays. He also made Freud, Marx, Kant, the Cuban revolution, Che Guevara, and socialist political ideals seem feasible, even practical. I got a D in that class. I’ve always wished for a day when I could take revenge for it. It’s finally here. (CFV = 20)
• Honduras: Honduras is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere, which means that they probably don’t have computers, which means they don’t know what the internet is, which also means they probably don’t read blogs. Fuck em. Or not, as the case may be. (CFV = 25)
• Mexico: Ah, teh Mexicans! Now there’s a classy country. There’s something about a Mexican in a Mariachi kit that makes gring@s (not to mention Puerto Ricans) want to drop their pants and worship the nopal fantastic. Mexicans are high on the fuckability index, and it may be because there are so many of the fuckers around. Literally. Which is fine with me, although most right-wingers are convinced they’re bent on toppling the US government in an explosive chimichanga coup. So, in spite of my boundless love for Mexican imports like Trevi, Tequila, and Mauser, Mexicans are apparently taking all our jobs. Also, they owned California and they want it back. Fuck that. Why don’t you take Jessica Alba instead? (CFV = 70)
• Nicaragua: Daniel Ortega, Nicaragua’s president, looks like a caricature of your typical Latin American dictator complete with 70’s porn star mustache. And unlike the other mustachioed developing country superstar Juan Valdez, this motherfucker means business in a Sandinista kinda way. Be that as it may, Nicaragua isn’t really a desirable destination for most wanderlusty cocks, so there. (CFV = 50)
• Panama: Our drug dealer is from Panama. Alas, so is Noriega, who looks like Sponge Bob SquarePants prior to Proactiv. (CFV = 45)
• Paraguay: Is that even a country? I thought it was a bird. (CFV = 30)
• Peru: Lilliputian pastors be damned. Peruvians are still considered exotic in the Inca-mami kinda way. Ask revolutionary Cameron Diaz. But how fucked can you be to elect a Perupanese to do some origami on your political system? Also, they eat rats (CFV = 40)
• Puerto Rico: [Ed. Note: In the interest of disclosure, this writer was in fact born in the "Rich" Port. Twelve years in the frigid New England weather has made me cold and indifferent, so I'm going to try to keep this shit real.] Puerto Ricans are quite fascinating, particularly when they’re not being too loud (Which is never). And when they don’t have a hospital on lockdown , and they’re not celebrating their pride. But like the Newtonian laws of physics, for every thing that raises Puerto Rico’s cachet, there seems to be an equally damaging thing that brings it back down again. To wit:
  

  Puerto Rican Awesomeness	Puerto Rican Whatthefucktitude
  Tito Puente	Ivy Queen
  Rita Moreno	Wisin y Yandel
  Menudo	MDO
  Jennifer Lopez	Marc Anthony
  Bacardi	Calle 13
  Ricky Martin	Puppy Kamikaze
  Benicio del Toro	Daddy Yankee
  Miss Universe Drama	Miss Universe Drama

  For all that, who among us has not wanted to bone Jennifer Lopez and/or Ricky Martin and/or Benicio del Toro. At the same time. That pretty much encompasses every one of us. (CFV = 60)

• Spain: La madre patria. Yes, I know that Spain is not part of the Americas, but they helpfully “discovered” the land bringing with them herpes, genocide, and slavery. And where would blogs be without slavery and herpes, really? Yes, Spaniards have a high fuckability quota because their country is part of Europe, where the white people are. That gives them this colonialist dominant daddy mystique that’s hard to beat (pun!). And we know this first hand, as half of Guanabee has been fucking Spaniards on a regular basis. [Ed. Note: Ahem.] Spain gets points for giving the finger to the Roman Catholic church and legalizing gay marriage. Which is great, because Spaniards speak with a cute lispy accent, which makes them sound gayer than Mecano. Alas, Spaniards still think they own us, and that we should be grateful that they rescued us from our dark loinclothy past. Um, as if they know how to dress. Yeah, they’ve given us Camper shoes and Custo Barcelona shirts. Exactly. (CFV = 80)
• Uruguay: According to many Argentinians, Uruguayans are what Mexicans are to the US: Dirty immigrants who cross the river who take away jobs. To which we say, eat it. However, Uruguay is as close to the US as Japan, which makes them hard to find and bed. I mean, how many Uruguayans do you know? Well, maybe that’s your own damn fault for not going to Punta del Este and snorting lines of coke from an Australian model’s chiseled glutes. I haven’t met a Uruguayan that I haven’t liked. All 2 of them. (CFV = 45)
• Venezuela: Two words: Hugo Chavez. (CFV = 55)

Figure 1. Latin American (+ Spain) Countries Fuckability Values (Click repeatedly on the image to make it bigger)

Time to add up your score and calculate your fuckability index. If you live in Latin America and your country wasn’t listed, it simply doesn’t exist. At least according to US standards. Now, plug in your country’s fuckability value to the formula above and figure out where you fall in the grand range of things. Don’t forget to adjust your score if you meet the following criteria:

• If your country’s name has an “ñ” add 5 points
• If your country has hosted, participated in, or applauded terrorist activity subtract 5 points<
• If your country is run by a tyrannical, freedom-hating, commie fucktard subtract 5 points
• Add 5 points if Pablo Neruda ever lived in your country
• If Che Guevara visited your country in one of his “reconnaissance” trips, do nothing but ponder the significance of it all
• If your country is an island, subtract 3 points

Science helps explain the world around us. I hope this formula helps elucidate the previously inexplicable utter lack of ass or ass bonanza you may have experienced throughout your life. And to all of you who have doubts about my research’s accuracy, attribution errors, small sample, self-selection bias, or any other statistical bullshit, I can say that I’ve been nothing but scientific in “probing” my rather substantial sample. If you want to dispute your country’s standing, send me flowers and an invitation to dinner. And you better be hot. And by all means, debate away in the comments section.