The International Fuckability Hierarchy Index: Rest Of World Edition

Guanabee contributing editor Gabriel Caro wonders aloud if where you were born has an effect on how much action you get.

In my many years of gloryhole surveying sociological experimentation, I began to notice that, for example, Mexicans and Argentineans are more socially fuckable than, say, Hondurans and Salvadorians. This led me to postulate a theory on the relationship between sexual desirability and country of origin. It turns out there is a mathematically observable causality between where you were born and the amount of ass you get on the average Friday night. Behold my handy dandy formula:

Based on the hate mail I got for my report on Latin countries, it’s obvious I struck a sensitive, yet throbbing nerve in many a reader. Let us look, then, at the rest of the world’s fuquota to see where they land on the chochart scale.

Finding Out Your Country’s Fuckability Value (or CFVs)

• Africa: I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the average Guanabee reader has slept with 0.2 Africans in their lives. What’s ironic and totally cool is that due to slavery, every single one of us has plenty of Africa in us. In fact, if it were not for Africa you would not have an ass, lips, melanin, a sense of rhythm, or that huge cock you keep threatening us with. Appreciate! However, we’re done with all the Africans trying to sell us watches in midtown Manhattan. We know what fucking time it is. Asante kushukuru, bitches. That’s “You’re Welcome” in Swahili, for the honkys in the crowd. (CFV = 67)
• Australia: Once a British prison, Australia has turned into a formidable ass factory. The accent may be cuter than hell, although incomprehensible, but it seems it’s Aussie donger what everyone really loves. Plus, they’ve given us Kylie, Priscilla, and probably some other stuff as well. Oh yeah, emus. We love us some down under! (CFV = 75)
• Canada: The white Mexico to the North. Before you start fantasizing about a hot mountie just remember that Canucks gave us Bryan Adams and Alanis Morissette, for which we’ll never forgive. I mean, how many of you grew up thinking “I would really love to have sex with a Canadian, just to see how that is.” Anyone? Bueller? You know what’s great about Canada? Legalized weed, online pharmacies, and Ryan Reynolds. Preferably at the same time. (CFV = 45)
• China: I don’t want to fuck with China, so to speak, because they will one day take over the world. Comedian Paul Mooney said that since every large city has a Chinatown, half their army was already here. Sadly, the size of China is inversely proportional to the size of their “weapons.” Tee hee! (CFV = 40)
• France: The French will want you to believe that they are so romantic that they practically invented love and sex. Guess what? They also invented women with unshaved armpits and men who don’t shower. To many people, the French are a mix of arrogance, idealism, and sophistication rolled into a nice steaming pile of baguette. In spite of all of this, the Frenchies seem to hypnotize the clit-onized among our offices. Whatevs. (CFV = 60)
• Germany: Always on time, always orderly, always insisting on tying one down. What is it with the Teutonic race that’s obsessed with discipline? And guilt? And gas masks? (CFV = 50)
• Greece: The ancient Greeks, as the inventors of homosexuality, have a very special place on the moussaka where my heart used to be. Even so, the modern Greeks kinda suck in bed. You would think that growing up surrounded by naked bodies sculpted in marble might have given the Greeks an idea of where the appropriate orifices for sexual intercourse are. If you ever find yourself in bed with a Greek, bring a map. And some patience. (CFV = 40)
• India: We may never get tech support ever again for saying this, the dickka masala ain’t that high on the list. Also, Pakistanis are hotter. Eat that (or anything), Gandhi! (CFV = 55)
• Ireland: I was going to start this post with a rant about how the Irish are overrated in bed and how green beer gives me green diarrhea and how shepherd’s pie sucks ass and then I saw this:

  

  And I remembered how many wonderful Irish things have passed through my lips. (CFV = 70)

• Italy: What is it about Italians that make them uncannily fuckable? Let me tell you: good wine, good art, but above all excellent shoes. And even more excellent than that is a deep-seated fear of God and women. The Italians fuck with both abandon and guilt, which is so totally cute, particularly when hanging from a sling in a dark leather dungeon. However, for all that, their sexual “prowess” is usually over in seconds, not minutes or hours. And to our collective dismay they will not stay in New Jersey. (CFV = 80)
• Japan: Um, just watch:

  Pan de Chocha they ain’t, but I’m totally getting Daniel one of those dolls. You think I can get a used one for less? (CFV = 65)

• Korea: You would think the fact that some Koreans like to wok their dogs would keep me from including them on this list. North Koreans (those would be the evil ones) are ruled by one crazy motherfucker with enough street cred to fuck the Wu Tang’s shit up. And since they run every dry cleaner in the world, I’m going to be nice to them. (CFV = 50)
• Netherlands: What can you possibly not love about a country that legalized prostitution, gay marriage, and marijuana way before it was cool to do so. Having Germany for a neighbor gives Dutch men and women a great sense of humor in bed and out. I know this because I dated a Dutch man for about 34 hours, which more than qualifies me to write about them. Since they bike everywhere, they have legs and asses of steel. Talk about nutcrackers! Also, I’m going to Amsterdam in 4 days, and I want to get laid. (CFV = 75)
• Russia: Russia used to be way more cool when it had nuclear weapons, incarcerated ballet dancers, and Stalin-themed vodka snorting parties. Now they’re a bunch of pussies prancing in the snow. Please, you can find more excitement in a Chekhov play. Wake me up when you have an economy. (CFV = 40)
• Saudi Arabia: It’s no secret that Americans in general hold cloaca-loads of goodwill and love towards our Middle Eastern brothers, including our current owners allies, the Saudis. Wikipedia helpfully lays (get it?) down the rule of the land for us:
  

  All sexual activity outside of a traditional heterosexual marriage is a crime, and some of these crimes carry the death penalty. As none of the criminal code is written down, the precise punishment for being convicted of homosexuality or sodomy varies and can range from the somewhat benign punishments (i.e. imprisonment, fines, whippings or, for a foreigner, expulsion) or more serious punishment such as being sent to a mental institution for some form of treatment, forced amputation or public execution.

  Curiously, I have homofriends who’ve been to Saudi Arabia many times and they tell me that it’s easier to get laid there than closing time at a Tijuana bathhouse. Go figure! (CFV = 30)

• Thailand: There’s a certain sexual mystique about the Thais. Being a mostly Buddhist country makes the Thai super submissive friendly. A friend of mine speculates that the reason that Thai men are attractive to a certain subset of the homo population is because they look like little boys. To which I said: “I’m never coming back to your church again, Father.” (CFV = 50)
• United Kingdom: The Brits are usually fetishized as wealthy, pent-up, boarding school uniform-wearing, kinky bluebloods. Yum. Although truth be told, they can be annoying as all hell (I’m looking at you, Hugh Grant). (CFV = 70)

Fuckability Chochart: All Your Vagina Are Belong To Us

As you can plainly see, some countries are decidedly more fuckable than others. Which might explain why your Chinese ass ain’t getting any action lately. And hey, don’t blame me if you think the “white” countries get a higher score. I’m just calling it as I see it. In terms of sexual desirability, no matter what your politically-correct heart might say, statistically there are more people who would put a finger in a Dutch dyke than inside a Greek one. Just sayin’ Agree? Disagree? Like that Vagina chart? Let me know in the comments section.