Ashton Kutcher’s Do’s And Don’ts For Women Reminds Us We Don’t Understand Why Women Would Do Ashton Kutcher

We can honestly say that, despite thinking that Ashton Kutcher is ridiculously good-looking, we’ve never found him remotely attractive. We just don’t particularly go for guys who look like they’re going to try to stick it in the wrong hole when we’re drunk and think we won’t notice, which is exactly the impression we get from Mr. Kutcher. This opinion has been further cemented by his list of things he doesn’t like about women. The fact that they aren’t Dave Matthews fans who wear striped shirts and drink Jungle Juice at frat parties while being named “Todd” or “Matt” is, curiously, not on this list. Ashton prefaces by stating:

I love women. I like the way they think, the way they care. I like the way they flirt by flipping their hair. I am enchanted by their precision and persistence. The ability they have to maneuver through life reminds me of a cat on a mantelpiece navigating around trinkets, photo frames, and flowers.

We, too, love how women are basically cartoon characters used to sell shampoo. Now, on to the list on what makes a woman so deplorable:

COMMON SCENTS If I can smell your perfume and we’re not making out, you’re wearing too much. More of a lot of things in life is better. Perfume does not apply. Have you ever stood in an elevator waiting for the doors to open so that a fragrant person will get off and you can breathe again? Don’t be that woman.

Yes, that’s annoying. More annoying? Some stranger telling us how much perfume to wear.

TRASH TALKING People who speak negatively about others attract the same in kind, and I don’t want to be near it. Nothing is sexier than a woman who is confident enough to compliment others (and nothing is more gratifying to another woman than to be the recipient of such a compliment — especially about her shoes).

Why are these sparkly, pink, Hello Kitty pot and kettle talking to one another? Odd! Additionally, how can it be that Ashton knows what is more gratifying to a woman? Oh, right. He’s produced enough episodes of “Beauty and the Geek” to tap into our psyche, among other things.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING Dress how you want to be treated. If you show respect for yourself, you will be respected. I like seeing a female body as much as the next guy, but a midriff on display does not do it for me. By the same token, sexlessness is just that. I call it the Hillary Clinton look. She would be so much more appealing if she just took off the pantsuit, took a lesson from Jackie Kennedy, and found her own Oleg Cassini.

Ok. Haha. Ok. So, let’s get this straight:

- If you dress provocatively, men will treat you like a piece of ass. Therefore, the fault must be in how you dress and not that men (not all men, but Nobel Prize-winners like our friend Ashton Kutcher) have been socialized to think that women dressed in a certain way are “asking for it.” Where could they learn such a thing? Perhaps in magazine articles?

- Hillary Clinton is sexless because she wears pants, like a man or a bulldyke or something. Bro, not hot.

- Hillary would be so much more appealing if she dressed a little more to suit men’s tastes. Except not like women who, say, bear their midriffs to please men (or women, or themselves) because, dude, that’s slutty.

JEWELRY JUNKIES Women who wear big blingin’ stones don’t look like they have a lot of money; they look like they have a lot of someone else’s money. I don’t want my woman looking like she got bedazzled. On the other hand, it’s really hot when you’re dressed up but wearing a cheap little bracelet. It shows you don’t take yourself too seriously.

O rly?

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE The most unattractive thing in the world is selfishness. Don’t worry about what you are getting; worry about what you’re giving. Always show appreciation. Women who focus on what they don’t have are unattractive and attract unattractive people.

But women who are told what they should and should not have by, say, B-list former sitcom actors, are a-ok.

BRAND DROPPING Have you ever heard someone say, “Do you like my new Prada sweater?” Broadcasting labels to make people appreciate your style is not becoming. The truth is that most guys don’t know what a Birkin bag looks like, and they couldn’t pick a pair of Christian Louboutins out of a lineup. All that matters is how something looks on you — and if a guy can identify the brand, you’ve found your fashion soul mate. And, yes, I do like your sweater. Who made it? You can tell me now.

Actually, we can’t relate. At all. Maybe because we’re more concerned with paying rent and student loans than what men may or may not find attractive about our spending habits, clothing choices, jewelry, perfume or attitude.

THE RULES OF ATTRACTION [Harper's Bazaar]