Covering The Coverage: “Gadling” Shows You How To Be As Beautiful As A Japanese Woman By Drinking Pig Placenta

The fountain of youth, it turns out, spouts with pig placenta. And this article will tell you how it works to make you young and beautiful. Yay!:

Ever wonder why it is that Japanese women are so beautiful? Ever wonder how Japanese women manage to look so young well into their golden years?

Sorry… what? We’re fairly certain they’re not referring to inner beauty. Let’s shoot out some rapid-fire rhetorical questions:

So. Do all Japanese women look beautiful in the same way? Isn’t it problematic to declare an entire race, gender and, in this case, nation of people as fitting a certain standard of beauty unequivocally? Isn’t it, you know. Pretty fucking racist? God. That opening paragraph made us want to slap its writer down with a handful of raw bacon. Speaking of which:

Although the secret is slowly spreading to the Western World, for years Japanese women have been drinking blended pig placenta in an effort to extend their youth.

Great! Now give us some pseudo-science to explain how this works:

Scientifically speaking, the placenta contains high levels of prostaglandin, which helps shrink the uterus, and small amounts of oxytocin, which eases birth stress and causes the mammary cells to contract and eject milk.

Although the placenta is revered in many traditional cultures, and has been an ingredient in traditional Chinese medicine for centuries, very few modern people eat it after the newborn’s birth. Leading obstetricians and gynecologists are also quick to point out that animals ingest the placenta for nutritional reasons, though there is little nutritional benefit for well-fed humans.

So, it’s absolutely bogus? What the fuck is up with this article. We’re getting angry. And hungry. Go on and fuel our rage even further, Quentin Tarantino:

Now, I know that it’s easy to be skeptical about health and beauty products, especially since the next big thing is always being touted on late night infomercials across North America.

Also, we all know that the Japanese have incredibly healthy diets that are based on rice and fish, compared with the North America propensity for fatty foods.

That’s true; we do all know this. Japanese people don’t eat McDonald’s or candy or deep fried squid balls covered in mayonnaise.

And of course, I don’t want to discount their genetic predisposition, especially considering that the Japanese tend to age very well, and generally look younger than their Western counterparts.

No, yes. The Japanese are just built better.

However, although anecdotal evidence isn’t exactly the most reliable of methods, my Japanese friends swear that a bottle a day gives them energy, and has noticeably improved their appearance.

How would you have even noticed? God, fuck this. If you’ll excuse us, we’re going to calm ourselves by tearing into a wild boar. And, yes, we’re much too mature and culturally aware to have even thought of making “Caja China” joke here.

Big in Japan: Drinking pig placenta keeps Japanese women beautiful [Gadling]