“G2B,” Gisele’s line of terrible sandals have their own terrible website full of stars and bubbles and Gisele dressed in nothing but water and “Skechers” sandals circa 1997. She’s not even trying. She’s selling us the exact Jelly sandals we bought from “Limited Too” before we could fully grasp what an utterly tacky little girl we were and could embrace it fully, albeit under the guise of irony.

It’s like she’s saying, “I know this background music sounds like something a potential date rapist would play for you as he pours Three Buck Chuck into sundry coffee mugs, his Magic Eye poster showing dolpins swimming, free, through space. I know all. I am Gisele. I know my sandals will make your feet smelly, chaffy and dirty. They will make a ‘splish, splosh’ sound as you make a hasty exist from this boy’s apartment, upsetting his extensive collection of dragon figurines on your way out. I know. I have seen Tom Brady’s penis. Have you? No! Arf arf!” (Gisele is crazy.)

The site also offers tips for conserving water like “Take shorter showers, with Tom Brady” and “A dripping faucet san waste up to 46 liters a day. I know liters; I’m foreign. Arf!”

Ridiculous.

Ipanema [Ipanema Gisele Bundchen]