For anyone who has had the pleasure of working in retail, it’s not news that shoppers can be difficult to the point that one can easily wile away almost 6.5 hours of an 8 hour shift thinking up new and creative ways to assault someone with a hanger. But, since we’re in a recession and writers have deadlines, now we can call it a trend and blame it on the economy:

Chalk it up to unsteady economic times, political overload, social malaise or dehumanizing technology, specialty store sales staff are becoming the stand-in shrinks for many of their regulars. When asked, 30 salespeople gladly chimed in — mostly anonymously — about their more high maintenance shoppers — and ferreting out just the right style for a shopper is the least of their job requirements.

Let’s call in an expert for a blurb:

Michael Solomon, a St. Joseph’s University marketing professor and author of consumer behavior books, said stores have become a figurative public square in that they offer people a place to congregate, making them the third place to linger beyond a person’s home or office. In turn, tantrums and oddball behavior are bound to be more prevalent as people increase the amount of time they spend in stores, he said.

“The more people are getting beaten down in other areas of our lives, the more they feel obligated to take it out on salespeople,” Solomon said.

That’s what sex is for. Anyway, store employees (or the person who wanted to get a story out for this article) name five (5) types of shoppers:

-Miss Lonely Hearts: well-practiced at pouring her heart out to a salesperson on a regular basis.

-The Addict: shops nonstop, and isn’t exactly sure why.

-The Psycho Shopper: prone to tantrums and just plain bizarre behavior. One such shopper had a Bergdorf Goodman staffer snap naked photos of her in the dressing room.

-The Performer-Exhibitionist: inclined to parade around the store in her underwear, flirt with salespeople or show off her latest dance move or bauble.

-Little Ms. Indecisive: tries on clothes as a form of exercise, is a big fan of putting merchandise on hold for days before actually buying and often is a chronic returner.

See, because men would rather play baseball with their dicks than shop and women are all hysterical. Now, this is just silly. There will always be annoying shoppers and thoughtful ones, people acting out because they’re having a bad day, etc. Increased shopping when people are stressed, busy and strapped for cash does not make a huge amount of sense. Furthermore, while we don’t doubt that women shop longer and more often than men, this seems rather skewed in presenting women as weak, emotionally unbalanced people who can’t control themselves in public and start frothing at the mouth over a pair of shoes. We like shoes, sure! But we’re not going to strip our clothes off in the middle of a store while asking the store employees if we look like we’re retaining water in order to try on a pair. Also? If anyone ever called us “Little Ms.” Anything (and please note that the indecisive shopper is a “Ms.” while the lonely one is a “Miss”), they can look forward to missing out on their commission. And a strongly worded letter to their manager as we walk around the mall furiously with a giant Mrs. Field’s cookie.

Shoppers Calling for a Little In-Store Psychology [WWD]