Liveblogging “Viva Hollywood”

11: 58 Well, it’s over, folks. We can’t say we’re any better for it. We may even have lost a few IQ points. But at least we were together. Have a good night and amor, amor, amor!!!!

11: 57 Maria and Jainmy are going to make out!

11: 56 Let’s all raise a margarita to Latino stereotypes.

11: 55 We, too, hope Janet will be the first Mexican (or anyone) to win a Grammy for acting.

11: 55 And another stacked bleach blonde lives to act another day.

11: 54 Jainmy! Kaputa! Whose name will we make fun of now?

11: 50 Arghhh!!! Pinche commercial!!!

11: 50 TWO stair falls! Who gwill die????

11: 49: 30 Catchetada! The fight scene just started with Jainmy getting a good one in. And they’re getting to act in Spanish. We must say Janet is much better in Spanish. Jainmy is still stiff as a board.

11: 49 Is Mil Mascaras going to make an appearance here???

11: 48 We can’t stop staring at her rack!

11: 47 And we’re back. The show has already driven Maria to drink, too.

11: 43 Our roommate is getting really pissed that we are forcing her to watch this.

11: 42 Commercial! God is merciful.

11: 40 Jainmy is a real woman and we’re really having another shot to get through this.

11: 40 Bwa ha ha ha! did Jainmy (HA!) just tell Maria Conchita Alonso she has the best name in the bible after Jesus and God. Can we stab her?

11: 40 Jainmy says she had to ask her mom to pay for her flight to the audition and she had to leave her baby at home. This is supposed to make us like you? Get a job and don’t leave your daughter with the woman who named you Jainmy.

11: 39 Maria Conchita Alonso just asked each of the ladies to state their case for why they should stay in the house. Both of them immediately start crying.

11: 38 Everyone’s watching from above. Very Eyes Wide Shut.

11: 36 Time for some words of encouragement from Walter Mercado. “Be brrrave, my friends.” He’s like the Latino Merlin.

11: 35 Ha ha. It’s mommy. Jainmy, your evil ways have caught up with you. You are going into the duel.

11: 35 Who will face Janet in el duelo????

11: 33 Commercial. We’re starting to realize the most important show of our time is the most sucky show of our time.
11: 32 Oh, but Janet voted for Gisel! Janet, you fool. You should have voted for Mr. Cardboard Alexcis. Now you are totally screwed.

11: 31 Jainmy voted for Gisel and Gisel voted for Jainmy. Big surprise.

11: 30 The contestants have to go into this voodoo-looking chapel to cast their ballots for the person they want to axe from the house. Because all Latinos practice Santeria.

11: 29 Carlos ponce just gave each person a “death” card. The card from the Chalupa game that says, “La Muerte.” Can someone tell America those cards are from a children’s bingo game and not a deck of tarot cards?

11: 28 As part of her prize, Roseny gets to have a one-on-one dinner with Sofia Vergara. She just told her she remembers seeing her “back in the day.” Then she asked her if age has been a problem for her. Meeeow.

11: 27 Berto says girls are catlike. We have no idea what he’s talking about.

11: 25 If there’s something Jainmy (HA!) tries to do it’s keep her class at all times she says with her Lee press-on claws.

11: 24 And we’re back. Jainmy (HA!) just told everyone to pick whoever they hate the most or whoever is the biggest threat. Now we know her strategy. “Everybody’s a grown ass adult,” Jenn says. Oh really, Jenn? Really?

11: 23 Holy shit! We just realized this show is an hour and a half. WTF????

11: 20 How did everyone like that Pampers ad with the Salma Hayek voiceover?

11: 19 Carlos just announced that the contestants have to vote for someone to face off with Janet in a duel to the death to see who will leave the show.

“Now the drama begins,” Jenn says. Orale.

11: 18 The winner is Roseny. Cut to Jenn’s sad mug. Bwa ha ha. Well at least there is some justice in the Casa de los locos.

11: 17: 30 Janet! the daughter of “a Mexican actress.” Seriously? With Alexcy in the house? And mush mouth over there? This is some bullshit.

11: 17 And the loser is…

11: 16 Ha, ha. Carlos just told Jenn Pinto that she was supposed to be playing a high class lady, but she acted too much like herself.

11: 15: 30 We have to say that, for our money, Roseny is the weiner.

11: 15 Who gwill gweeen???

11: 14 Carlos is so nice when he’s telling people they suck.

11: 14 Are these two stoned?

11: 13: 30 Finally, Janet vs. Jainmy (seriously, we can’t get over that name).

11: 13 You gotta love Vinci’s pencil moustache.

11: 12 And we’re back. Let’s see how drunkie does.

11:08 ‘mercial!

11: 07: 30 Ha! Vinci just yelled cut in the middle of the scene because his shoe came off. And what can we take from this kids? That alcoholics never win.

11: 07 Geovannie and Vinci are next. Vinci drank all night and refused to rehearse, so it will be interesting to see how he does.

11: 07 So far, those two had the best fight.

11: 06 45 But Jenn sounds like Rosie Perez. Any minute now, she’s going to yell Mookie! Mookie!

11: 06: 30 Jenn and Roseny are up next. Looks like they’re going to have a food fight.
Right out of the gate, Roseny starts off strong. We totally believe her as a papelera.

11: 06 Carlos Ponce just told Berto he needs to be a better listener. How in the hell do you listen to Kalain???

11:05 Now Berto and Kalain are acting out what appears to be a scene from a porno. Are the greasepaint sideburns on Berto really necessary? And poor Kalain. They’re having to subtitle him because his English sounds like this: Hakjvn akehg nvalksdnfg!

11:04:30 Hoo boy. Alexcy really, REALLY cannot act. Is his daddy Edward James Olmos? How did he get on this show?

11:04 The first male fight scene is up between Alexcy—the non-actor—and Enrique the gay.

11: 03 Stunt coordinator Ben Bray (who we really, really want to sleep with) advised the ladies to wait until the director yells cut before they break character. Janet claims she made the choice to laugh in character. Yeah, Hector.

11: 02: 30 The girls are getting some decent slapping in. Sylvia just cut herself with Gisel’s heel. Way to rally, ladies.

11: 02 It’s morning and the first fight scene is between Gisel and Sylvia. Sylvia is wearing a gold Lamé bikini and Gisel literally looks like a drag queen. Who did her hair and makeup–Walter Mercado?

11: 01 He also wears underwear with an elephant on the crotch. As if.

11: 00 Vinci is an alcoholic.

10: 59 Berto is having a threesome with Gisel and Janet. You mean the guy who was molested at nine is sexually promiscuous?

10: 58 And we’re back! We really want to hit the announcer. He keeps calling everyone, “chicos.”

10: 54 Commercial! We’re going for a Bailey’s break.

10: 53: 45 Jainmy has retreated to her room to read the bible.

10: 53: 30 Gisele and Berto are probably going to hump.

10:53 Time for the obligatory opening night Jacuzzi party.

10:52 Jainmy (?!–who spells their name like that?) is boring everyone with her life story. She just said she was a model at sixteen and everyone looks shocked. That kind of tells you what she looks like.

10:51 Gisel was adopted, but she says she’s Latina. Is she really Latina? She is white and blonde.

10:50 Alexcy has never acted before. Ever. This should be interesting.

10: 49: 30 Ugh…Kalain can’t speak English. Like for nada.

10:49 Gisel and Sylvia are rehearsing their scene. In it, Sylvia is wearing Gisel’s bikini. Um, ewww. Obviously this was written by a man.

10: 48 We would pay money to throw a drink in Daniel’s face.

10: 46: 30 The stunt coordinator Ben Bray is hotter than any of the metrosexual contestants. Ooh! And he knows how to execute a convincing hair pull. We may have found our fiancé.

10:46 So Walter just said that each week the contestants will participate in a competition based on one of the “seven deadly sins of telenovela.” This week’s sin: Passion. Which means fighting. Yay.

10: 45: 45 Walter’s look was just described as “exotic.” Is that what we’re calling gay these days?

He kind of sounds like our grandmother. Especially the way he pronounces rage, “rayshe!”

10:45 The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Walter Mercado’s on screen. And he’s speaking English! We still don’t understand him.

10:44 And we’re back. Maria says this is the contestant’s new family. Much like our crazy family minus the violence.

10:41 Commercial break. Jesus this is a quick edited show. Damn you, MTV.

10: 40 The contestants are toasting the beginning of the show with tequila shots. What, no piñata? No hat dance?

10:39 Just in case you forgot that Latinos are slutty, the producers are reminding you by dressing host Maria Conchito Alonso in a piece of blue crepe paper. Her ass is better than ours was at 14. That slut.

Enrique is crying because his gay childhood dream of working with Maria has come true.

10:37 Berto, a muscle head from New York, had his first sexual experience with a woman at age nine and felt compelled to share this with you on national TV. He ought to go far in Hollywood. West Hollywood.

10: 36 Hey everybody, there’s a girl on the show named Jenn and she’s from the Bronx. She’s crying because she’s in a house instead of in an apartment. Is anybody buying this?

10: 35: 30 Alexcy has never acted before. Ever. This should be interesting.

10: 35 Janet arrives looking the part in long, bleached blonde hair, a cut off bustier, short shorts and go-go boots announcing, “I’m the only one from Mexico.” You go with big, bad self, señorita cosa. Hey, Janet has her own sex talk show on television. Something tells us it’s cable access.

10: 34 One thing we’re realizing is that Latinos have become as creative as Black people with their names.

10: 33: 30 Next is Geovanni. He’s a trained actor. “Just like Shakespeare.” Oh, Latinos. They make us so proud.

10: 33 The contestants are arriving in stretch limos. Classay. First up is Roseny. She is from Colorado and the spitting image of Selena. Freaky.

10: 32:30 The theme song is regaetton and thus the mish mosh of Latino stereotypes begins. We can’t really recall ever hearing regaetton on a real telenovela, but oh well.

10: 32 Okay the show is starting and we are so excited we might tinkle.

10: 31 This means you have time to pour yourself some mescal.

10:30 Hi, everybody. And we are live. Watching the 5 minute promo video we’ve seen a hundred times this week. pant, pant.