When the scholarly scribes at The Daily Mail aren’t busy holding one another’s hair back over pictures of Goldie Hawn’s wretched hagface, they’re resisting the pull of TV host and cookbook author Nigella Lawson’s décolletage in order to ogle in disgust at her monstrous knees:

Her famous décolletage and seductive presenting style ensures the camera rarely strays from Nigella Lawson’s upper half.

Now it seems that the Domestic Goddess has good reason to insist the focus remains up top.

The curvaceous 48 year-old showed off a bulging set of knees at a book signing for UK bestseller Nigella Express in Sydney, Australia.

Her perfectly coiffed appearance above the table was at odds with the bulky limbs settled beneath it.

Yes, those are two knees we would never want to find ourselves somehow entangled between after Nigella has whipped up a risotto made of butter and love. But, alas, it seems that Nigella is not immune to the The Daily Mail’s preoccupation over her “health:”

In a bid to tackle her own rapidly expanding waistline Miss Lawson has hired a personal trainer to motivate her during intense aerobic work-outs.

She is also understood to be eating the same vegetarian fare as her husband which is less fattening than her normal servings.

The mother of two has been criticised in the past for her high-calorie approach to cooking which often includes liberal servings of cream, cheese and other fats.

She confided that at the start of their marriage in 2003 the couple would “climb into bed together with a bowl each of cereal, ice cream and biscuits. It’s Charles’s idea of heaven.”

No one, but no one, watches cooking shows in a bid to actually emulate and consume what is being prepared onscreen. Cooking shows are socially acceptable forms of porn, complete with Vaseline-smeared cameras and money shots. They are meant to comfort and soothe and not, unless you’re watching “America’s Test Kitchen” or some terrible nutritionist try to pass off carrot juice as food, to be regarded as a teaching tool. So let Nigella slather as much cream cheese on as many racks of lamb or whatever as she pleases. We’re never going to eat anything other than Cup Noodles anyway. Let us have our fun.

Additionally, one can be perfectly healthy and visibly plump. It’s more about moderation than cutting out entire food groups, unless you have a food allergy or happen to be a giant douchenozzle. So don’t even try to take away our eggs and cheese while declaring “it’s better this way.” Don’t!

And, finally, just stop. Nigella is a public figure, yes, and would very likely not enjoy her current level of fame where she not as attractive as she is, but please. Her knees? Are you serious? Was it too difficult to get a shot of her disgustingly saggy earlobes? Were her ragged cuticles not as newsworthy? Her work and her actions are you business because they are, literally, her business. But her body? Shut up about it. Don’t try to mask cruel and unnecessary bashing as concern or constructive criticism, especially when Nigella is vastly more attractive that most people who will look at this article and either chuckle “Oh, that cow!” or begin to wonder how their own bodies match up. So, yes. Shut up. Maybe eat some truffles first, but then, please. Shut up.

Even Nigella’s famous décolletage can’t distract from her jumbo knees [Daily Mail]
Earlier: Covering The Coverage: Daily Mail Notes Goldie Hawn Is Old, Has Old Face