The Many Sides Of Matt Sanchez: An Interview With A Gay Porn Star Turned Right-Wing Pundit

Matt Sanchez is a dichotomy. A Puerto Rican-American from San Jose, California who, before becoming an “ultra-right, right, right wing” (his words) pundit and war correspondent, served as a Marine reservist and, perhaps less expectedly, a gay porn star in such films as, Touched By An Anal and Laid To Order. Recently, he’s come to our attention for blogging rather vocally against the infamous Absolut Mexico ad. He even got into a skirmish about it with our friends over at Gawker where he resorted to gay slurs for no apparent reason. All of which is to say Guanabee thought it would be “interesting” to sit down with him for a little chat about all these things and more.

Guanabee: So Matt, let’s start with the reason we’re here. You recently wrote some emails to the editors at Gawker asking if they are gay because they weren’t hard enough on the notorious Absolut Mexico print ad that depicts an “Absolut World,” as a world in which Mexico takes back the American Southwest. (We’d imagine it more like a place where those horrific Scary Sadshaw women rule the earth.) How did you make that leap from, let’s say for the sake of argument, an anti- American ad, to something homosexual? Are homosexuals anti-American?

Matt Sanchez: I did not write the words “gay” and “hard” in the same sentence, that would be cruel for the overwhelming majority of Gawker readers who still have their mouths open.

Guanabee: Okay, hardy har, we guess. We’re not really sure what the hell that meant, actually. But, really, why did you write to Gawker in the first place?

Matt Sanchez: They e-mailed me first.

Guanabee: Really? Out of the blue?

Matt Sanchez: I wrote a piece and cited Gawker for calling anyone who was offended by the ad a xenophobe. They queried me and asked me to comment.

Guanabee: A fascinating piece of information they left out of their reporting. Which might explain why, during our first chat on the phone, we were horrified to find out you are actually quite nice. (It’s so much easier to throw stones from afar, isn’t it?) That you grew up in San Jose, California, one of five Puerto Ricans in the state. That your “best friend is Mexican” and that you like Mexican food way better than Puerto Rican food. So far, so good. So how does a guy like that have no sense of humor about a silly vodka ad that plays off Mexican pride?

Matt Sanchez: The Absolut ad is offensive because it’s a liberal lie. The Mexico of the 1st empire, right after they through [sic] the Spanish out and before they lost Texas, included Guatemala, El Salvador and most of Central America. The ad chose not to be inclusive and offend the Guatemalan, maybe because the odds of a Mexican trying to illegally enter Guatemala are about as high as Mexico electing an honest politician.

Guanabee: So, the nice act– It was just for the phone, we guess. Anyway, as a guy who did gay porn once upon a time, why would you, of all people, write, “Are all of the contributors to Gawker homosexuals, because there’s a level of superciliousness that must be directly tied to sexual frustration and the inability to bond with other human beings.” I mean, weren’t gay men the very guys who helped feed you? (And perhaps still do if you get any residuals from the movies you made.)

Matt Sanchez: My only concern is that so many “gay” people don’t seem terribly happy. They’re always shaking their fist at everyone, as if they are waiting for Crisco or have broken a fingernail.

Guanabee: Wow. That’s some aggression you have. Some people are saying that your hostile comments belie another story. That you are, in fact, self-loathing when you say disparaging things about homosexuals. What do you say to that?

Matt Sanchez: The last time I was called self-loathing was when a separatist Puerto Rican got mad at me, because I prefer Mexican Taquerias over Boricua buffets. There really are times when you can’t be diplomatic and just have to tell the truth. Do you know what cuchifrito is actually made of!!!!????

Guanabee: So, no comment on the gay thing. Okay. Matt, you seem to us to be a man full of dichotomies. A California Latino who has no tolerance for a joking reference to Aztlan and a former gay porn star turned anti-homo, right-wing political pundit. How did the latter happen? Seems like a big leap.

Matt Sanchez: Labels.

After traveling to a place like Cuba and throughout most of Latin America, you quickly learn Che Guevara was not a hero, Fidel Castro was no president, Pinochet was no dictator and the Southwest of the United States is not Mexico.

Most Hispanics are very conservative. This is why pregnant teens have their babies instead of aborting them, most Hispanic families love their gay relatives, but don’t want to see the definition of marriage changed and even those who come here illegally mostly want to work hard and keep the money they earn, instead of wasting it in high taxes.

Guanabee: Just so you know, we make fun of Che and Fidel whenever possible. But we draw the line at no abortions. Talk about taking the fun out of things. And Pinochet not a dictator? Wow. Your stories just sell themselves, don’t they? But, back to you, Matt. After your adult film career, you served in the Marine Corp reserve. Was your movie history ever an issue there? Does “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell,” not include DVD evidence?

Matt Sanchez: Most people in the military don’t care how you clean your weapon, just keep that to yourself and do your job like everyone else.

Guanabee: Yes, but you cleaned your weapon for all the world to see. From 1992 to 2000. Anyway, despite our shameless liberal bias, we do support the men and women who risk their lives for our spoiled-ass country. We just don’t want them to have to do it anymore! (You’re not the only dichotomous one.) Did you get a chance to see our Guide to Latino Cultural Survival in Iraq? Anything you could add to help the morale of Latinos still serving over there?

Matt Sanchez: Liberals have shame? [Ed. Note: No, we said ‘shameless.’ Is this thing on?] I do have culinary caution for anyone who has eaten Mexican food. Back AWAY from the “Quesadillas” in the chowhall. You have been warned.

Guanabee: Only the government could fuck up melted cheese on a tortilla. Back to your journalistic career, we read the article you wrote on United States military personnel being sworn in as American citizens while serving in the Iraq War. What motivates a foreign-born person—in particular one born in Latin America—to fight for a country that might not be so willing to adopt them if they aren’t willing to risk their lives first?

Matt Sanchez: Hispanics have a macho warrior side to them that Spring Break in Pensacola just ain’t going to quench. In a world where doing three shots of Tequila is supposed to be daring, a lot of people with “ez” in their last name would rather learn how to shoot and blow sh*t up. Plus, every Hispanic male knows he looks better in uniform with the slicked back hair and all.

Guanabee: Now that military service is behind you, you’ve been rising up the ranks as a conservative pundit, no?

Matt Sanchez: I am rising, I feel like I’m all over the place. Now, I get to be in Spanish-speaking media and let them know what the real deal is—en español. It’s about time, everyone’s pretty tired of the campy telenovelas and the old hooker-looking talkshow host who is way too old for the tight clothing.

Guanabee: We’re not going to touch the hooker-looking, tight clothing joke that is screaming to be let out of our keyboard. Speaking of foreign languages, you sent us a video of you on the French version of Meet The Press, called Kiosque.

We find what you told them in that clip–that France has become an example of the worst kind of arrogance that can happen to a country– a) ballsy, b) high-larious and c) eerily hypocritical coming from an American. Can you not see the parallels between what you describe and our own current administration? (Did they deck you afterwards?)

Matt Sanchez: The current administration has cojones, the French couldn’t bother to defend their own country. Paris was taken without a shot, but I’m told the Nazis really enjoyed the wine selection.

Guanabee: Well, we can’t think of a better way to end an interview with Matt Sanchez than with a Nazi joke. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us, Matt. We were going to tell them to have mercy on you during the Latino New World Order, but nah.

Matt Sanchez: Latino World Order? Is that the movie where Jennifer Lopez is a maid cleaning up rooms in that international hotel?

Guanabee: No we think that one is called Laid To Order. (See what we did there?!) Seriously, though. Any last words?

Matt Sanchez: Read my article called Absolut Absurdity . And write an article on it for your next Latino Studies paper.

Guanabee: Please do, young Latinos. And let us know how it goes.