Barack Obama Was Born On An Island, Knows Your Pain

Listen up, Puerto Rico! It’s almost time for you to forget to vote and Barack Obama would really appreciate it if you’d vote for him, kthnx. Oh, what’s that? You don’t wash dishes for a living? No, no, it’s totally ok! Those are just the Mexicans, silly goose. People who earn more than minimum wage are totally allowed to vote for Obama as long as they’re not religion-having, God-loving plebes who wouldn’t know truffle-infused olive oil from a tartufo if it were crusted over on a plate they had to wash.