Guanabee recently chatted up Drunken Stepfather’s resident inebriated Mexican, Jesus Martinez, to discuss his life, his loves and the epic poetry that is his website. We learned he doesn’t actually care much about celebrities, he does not consider himself a racist or misogynist and that being an overweight drunk on the internet goes over really well at strip clubs. We kind of already knew that last part. Oh, and if you’re wondering on our insistence on calling out Jesus Martinez as a fictional character, it’s because a certain Guanabee editor discovered as such from a certain editor of a certain site that might sound something like “Strunken Depfather” a couple years ago even though that certain someone might not remember saying so. So, yeah. We’re sticking to that.

Guanabee: ‘Sup Drunken one. Let’s get right down to it. What inspired your site? Had you always been interested in celebrities / gossip?

Jesus: I was inspired to start the site because I was pissed off, knew I couldn’t get a job working in any industry and figured I’d do it on my own. It wasn’t a business and still isn’t a business, it was just a place to take out my frustration kinda like my virtual punching bag.

I am not and never was interested in celebrities. I guess I started my attack on them because they are the idols of popculture and I knew they were full of shit. I guess it was a combo of liking naked chicks and seeing these celebs not at their best or slippin’ up on their contrived bullshit images that gave me enough content to continue tellin’ my stories and spreading my irreverent word to about 5 people.

Guanabee: Fascinating. Any particular reason your “Drunken Stepfather” character, Jesus Martinez, is Latino? Is he modeled after any real people?

Jesus: There’s a misconception that Jesus Martinez is a fictitious character. The only real lie on the site is that I don’t have help. I have a dude who answers some of my emails for me and helped build the site up by posting images - but all the posts are written by me, Jesus Martinez, a 38-year-old married Mexican who lives in Canada.

Guanabee: Are you as crass in person as you are online? What would a typical night with you be like as opposed to, say, a night spent eating buffalo wings out of a strange woman’s chocha at a strip club with Jesus.

Jesus: Well, since I am Jesus, it would pretty much be the same. I get out a lot of frustration online so I am more mild-mannered but when I get drunk I can be an asshole or a social chainsaw. It all depends on my mood, I guess.

Guanabee: Whatever you say. Moving on. How do you respond to criticism about the sexist, xenophobic content of your site? Is it parody?

Jesus: Well - it is parody for the most part. That’s a tough call because I am the kind of guy who does take life a little too seriously at times and gets frustrated or pissed off at the world, but I wouldn’t consider myself an angry or hateful person. I think I mock the norms of what is considered acceptable and say things that I think other people are thinking but are too pussy to say, but I am not an activist or really passionate about my ideals and in reality - pretty inconsistent.

I don’t hate any gender, any race, any religion, any mindset other than people who choose to live the conventional suburban middle-class risk-free life. I can’t grasp that shit and just see people who have given up on their dreams and passions for social acceptance.

I have Black, White, Jewish, Asian friends. I have devout Christian friends and Muslim friends. I have met all kinds of people and I would never say I hate people but I would say I hate how society represents people. And that’s what I write.

Guanabee: Bloggers never get laid. True?

Jesus: Gay bloggers probably get laid by gay social climbers lookin’ for exposure. Straight bloggers probably blog because they can’t get laid and are obsessed with celebrities and computers - which is weird. I never had a problem getting laid, but I have got more disgustingly lazy and fat and never leave the house. Getting pussy has never been a problem for me, marrying pussy was my problem.

Guanabee: Speaking of which, you recently posted an email from a girl who blames guys like you, what with your tendency to call women “sluts” and “bitches” on your site, for spreading misogyny and sexism and for personally mistreating her in college. Would you call yourself a misogynist? Do you think your humor could be considered unethical or, at least, irresponsible?

Jesus: Sure. It’s probably unethical, irresponsible and offensive to some people who take themselves too seriously in their miserable suburban life. But, for the most part, people get the jokes, find entertainment in it and get what I am doing.

The odd time a girl with no self-esteem wull have sex with 60 guys in one year because she uses sex to feel good about herself even if it is only for those 5 minutes of having the cock in her because she’s the center of attention. …Until the dude walks out on her for good because no one respects a slut enough to make her a girlfriend.

So the real irresponsible one in the situation was the girl who emailed me because she was irresponsible with her vagina and she’s just passing the blame on me because it’s easier than accepting responsibility for her actions.

The thing people need to keep in mind is that the girls I call sluts and whore and bitches are the girls who are putting themselves out there to be made fun of. I never call respectable people sluts or whores and bitches and I don’t think a woman’s place is in the kitchen or making babies. We’re all equals here. I just respect people who respect themselves and I call sluts and whores and bitches…slut and whore and bitches. I am not a misogynist, there are just certain girls out there giving real women a bad name.

I can’t see how what I write could be considered unethical or irresponsible, when all you have to do is click the little “X” in your browser and never come back. It’s the internet and what people don’t get is that I don’t write for the public, I write for myself and the public are just voyeurs for the most part.

Guanabee: We’re just glad you’re not a misogynist. Is running Drunken Stepfather your full-time gig besides being a misogynist? What else do you do with yourself besides running the site? Do you have a girlfriend? Wife? Kids? Gerbils? If not, do tell us what sort of qualities you look for in girls. And/or guys.

Jesus: I am doing the site more than full-time - it takes me a few hours to get my thoughts out there and upload posts. I am married, I have 2 stepkids who were teenagers when I started and over 18 now. I don’t do much aside from the site but like drinking a lot. I like girls who are hot and not annoying to be around. I am not gay but I don’t get many erections anymore. I blame the wife for that. I would like to expand what I do into something more substantial, but I am disorganized and lazy and this is all I do for now. I live off my wife’s disability checks, I am on welfare and the little money the site makes goes into server costs and my alcoholism.

Guanabee: What’s your favorite / least favorite topic to cover?

Jesus: Right now my favorite thing to cover is shit I see, document or experience on my own and my least favorite shit to cover is shit everyone else has done or does right after me. The paparazzi are on my ass and I don’t own the pictures that I post because I don’t actually take them. They are emailed to me and I post them assuming I allowed to post them, but that becomes a stressful thing for me because I never know when these fuckers are going to sue me or send me hateful emails or whatever.

Guanabee: Any other sites you read? Like, oh, Guanabee, maybe?

Jesus: I link you guys sometimes when you send in a good story, but for the most part there’s no time to really read sites. When I am on the computer I am writing the site, reading emails, messaging girls on Facebook or watching amateur porn. After a full day of this, the last thing I want to do is read someone else’s take on the same stories I’ve already talked about. I am pretty disconnected, I don’t watch or read the news and pretty much have fully absorbed myself in this weird internet celebrity world. The fact that I don’t read other sites doesn’t mean there aren’t good sites out there; it just means I am lazy.

Guanabee: What’s with the “Of the Day” headlines?

Jesus: I used to call every post “I am - ….. of the Day”, not really sure why but it started as an instant message handle that I carried over to the site because I thought it was a good way to title shit. Like if the post was on Britney flashing her vagina I’d write, I am - Brtiney’s Vagina Making an Appearance because that’s what the post was. Like personalizing each post. I added “of the day,” because it was of the Day it was posted. I stopped doing the I am - because it made no sense to most people.

Guanabee: If you could interview any celebrity for your site, who would you choose and how do you think the interview would turn out?

Jesus: Lohan. It would be magical because we are connected at the soul. Thanks for taking enough interest in me to ask me to do this. Makes me feel more important than I am and that will come across nicely tonight at the stripclub when I ask the sluts for free lap dances because of who I am….