Yesterday, while many were distracted watching porn at work while figuring out a way that Happy Hour could technically begin at 10 a.m, the brilliant minds at Maxim were busily compiling their list of the “10 Hottest Mexican Women” for Cinco de Mayo.

Topping the list is Jessica Alba, who is about as Mexican as a Nachos Bell Grande and leaves you about as nauseous in her wake. The rest of the list follows:

• Salma Hayek
• Ninel Conde: “There´s never been a better reason to score a passport and learn Spanish than this local soap star. Well, besides the eminent recession and irritable bowel syndrome.”
• Eva Longoria
• Anahi: “She is most known for her role in Rebelde, a Mexican…wait for it…that´s right, telenovela! The show, which starred her and the other members of the pop group RBD, relied heavily on English-language phrases for humor. Ay, caramba!”
• Paulina Rubio
• Thalia
• Vanessa Terkes: “With roles on six TV shows under her belt, Vanessa is stepping up to Mexico´s big screen this year. If you find yourself near a teatro, check out her upcoming comedy Siete minutos. Don´t worry, it feels more like seis minutos.”
• Mayrin Villanueva: “It was at one time rumored that Mayrin would be the next Bond girl. That job has since gone to Ukrainian-model-turned-actress Olga Kurylenko, but we don´t know why they can´t share the role. Dos is company!”
• Marlene Favela: “At five-foot-nine-inches, this gorgeous model has appeared in 14 telenovelas (Latin-American soap operas), placing her among the rarified air of, oh, let´s say Charo and the guy who dresses like a bee.”

Chortle! Yes,do let’s all adjust our monocles after doing this body shot off a college freshman to revel in the silliness that is Mexican culture. Revel, we say!

Jesus Christ.

The 10 Hottest Mexican Women [Maxim]