“Milkscreen” Tests Breast Milk For Alcohol, Keeps Babies From Enjoying White Russians

Big news for lactating alcoholics! A new product called “Milkscreen” is making it easy to test the amount of alcohol found in breast milk. No more midnight gin & tetas, according to the official website:

Why use milkscreen?

Because you’re probably a terrible mother.

Because all mothers are unique!

Oh.

So, naturally the way our bodies process alcohol is unique, too.
Metabolizing alcohol depends on several factors including:

Body weight

Type of alcohol consumed

Food intake

So since our lunch usually consists of rum, we guess our milk would probably contain a fairly high amount of alcohol. Well. Some guy is going to get totally lucky someday.

In the past, there were only generalized guidelines for the questions surrounding breast feeding after consuming alcohol.

An appearance on “COPS?”

Now, with milkscreen™, there is one simple and accurate method to let Mom know if her milk contains a level of alcohol that may negatively impact Baby.

Yes, its pretty awkward to have Baby slobbering drunkenly all over your boobs. Especially after our anniversary dinner. In front of the waiter. Thanks, “Milkscreen!”

milkscreen [Upspring Baby]