“The Hills’” Spencer Pratt has been busy penning an advice column for Radar when he isn’t whitening his teeth or bleaching his pubes. And, sometimes, he’s got pretty good advice. However, we took issue with his most recent column, concerning one of our very favorite topics for discussion:

YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it’s appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?

When indeed, Spence?

If you’re dating a guy, right away. If you’re dating girl, I think you’ll know pretty quick if she’s into that. If they’re not bringing it up, it’s not something on their agenda. That’s just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, “If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.”

Oh golly. Assuming we’re all adults here, the correct answer is “just ask.” If both (or all seven) parties involved in a relationship are at the point where they’re comfortable enough to have sex, then they should also be mature enough to discuss what goes and what doesn’t. By creating special rules and restrictions revolving around anal sex, we’re really just enforcing the idea that anything other than a heteronormative, good ol’ vanilla missionary position is gross and deviant. By all means, if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of participating in anal, just say so. But putting it in a special category as some sort of “perversion” for kinky people is doing countless couples a disservice and reducing certain people, particularly homosexual men, to perverts. This is not even touching religious attitudes concerning anal. Chances are, if your religion prohibits anal sex, it also frowns upon sex before marriage, which makes this whole discussion moot.

And, sure, anal carries a lot more possible dangers in terms of causing tearing, infections, incontinence or wayward poopage on the peepee. That’s why it’s so important to ask in order to discuss taking the proper precautions, including applying enough lube to render sitting on a stool a calculated risk. And asking while one or both people are anything less than absolutely sober? Does not count.

So, yeah. Just ask.

“WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO BRING UP BUTT SEX?” [Radar Online]