Top 10 Inadvertently Adorable Sex Toys

Let’s face it. Sometimes, drunken Facebook “friending” will not get you laid, so we sent Guanabee contributing editor Gabriel Caro out in the field to test some ways to help us “friend” ourselves. What he found were some toys too adorable to put down.

We at Guanabee have a Coleman cooler filled with sex toys that we all share, with the understanding that they might be called into action at any given notice. [Ed. Note: Human resources--we need some.] With that said, there are several of them so cute, they practically beg to be left out on the coffee table for our friends and mothers to play with when they come visit. Based on some “scientific” research, some of these have also garnered a high standing with the lady (and lady-like) among us. So, if you’ve ever wondered what to get your roommate/immigration lawyer/babysitter, read on to find out more about some of the most girly pieces of erotic industrial design ever to grace our private parts.

The Ladybug Pleaser Discreet Vibrator

If Mariah Carey were to ever be re-incarnated as a sex toy, we can safely bet this would be it. It’s pink, round, glittery, and adorable, even though the vibrating is not enough to make us melisma our orgasms out. Seriously, this shit would fit right in at Toys ‘R Us, right next to the Bratz dolls and Hannah Montana clothing. Sucio! However, cute as it may be, it’s not that popular with the ladies. One reviewer summarized it best when she said: ” I bought this thinking it would be kind of fun to use when out in public, but the vibe isn’t strong enough and doesn’t stay put.” Hmm. Kinda like our ex-boyfriend!

Eden Tropical G Wave

Vasa art sculpture? SeaWorld souvenir? No, it’s simply the closest we’ve ever gotten to getting down with a marine mammal. Flipper indeed! One ride on this wave will make you forget all those horrible swimming lessons your parents made you enroll in when you were growing up, and make you wanna give all your money to Greenpeace to save the dolphins.

Eden Butterfly Blossom

Eden, or so the story goes, is the land of pure bliss and eternal happiness. This beautiful and functional work of art is a close second. According to its positively Proustian description: “Lie down in a sun-kissed field of flowers and feel the welcoming brush of butterfly wings caress your whole body before exploring your most intimate areas.” Um, yeah. All we’re saying is that we want a dozen of these in a Baccarat vase for our birthday. Kthnxbye.

Eden Pleasure Petals Vibrator

This work of art brings a whole new meaning to ladyflower. Let the interactive action of this magnificent bloom awaken your clitoriverse with its flowing petals and butterfly friend, which disturbingly reminds us of the Abeja Maya. A “reviewer” we spoke to told us that “It needs more power. The vibrating on this product is not strong enough”. To whom we can only suggest to do what we do: wear it as a headband around your forehead for instant migraine relief. Ahh!

Clit Buddy Rocky Rabbit Vibrating Cock Ring

What could possibly be more adorable, not to mention sexy, than a pink rabbit with a scud missile going through it’s head? Well, that would be a Pink Rabbit Vibrating Cock Ring Bullet Clit Thingy. We’re not sure how this thing actually works, but based on the design we’re going to go out on a limb and say that the bullet/rabbit head would, anatomically, be nowhere near our staff’s clitorial region, which is vast we might add. Note to engineers: Next time, try using an animal that’s big and wide, like the Clit Buddy Giant stingray-fighting-with-pterodactyl Vibrating Cock Ring! Then it just might hit the spot.

Eden Forever Dragonfly Ring

The description of this beautiful winged creature reads: “You cuddle with your lover by a moonlight lagoon, watching dragonflies dance across the still waters…” To which we might add that dragonflies, unlike fireflies, are not nocturnal creatures, so bitch please. If nothing else, the Eden Forever Dragonfly Ring makes for an excellent party trick: Wrap the dragonfly ring around the neck of a nice bottle of champagne. Turn it on and run to the other side of the room. In about 2 minutes everybody in the room will have an instant champagne facial. Festive! (Yeah, there must be some twisted sex toy designer who thinks that wrapping insects around one’s cock is fun. Let me tell you, it ain’t. So stop with the fucking ero-entomologist shitshow, aight? It’s bad enough we have to watch Isabella Rosellini fuck all kinds of bugs).

I Rub My Duckie

What’s aerodynamic, yellow, and warms you all over. No, not watersports silly! It’s a rubber duckie that vibrates! Aww. This lovely item is called “I Rub My Duckie.” To which we can only add: “Yes, we bet you do, girl.” Instructions say: “Press the back and Duckie vibrates––in your bath, pool, Jacuzzi or shower!” Or in the infinity lagoon that is your chocha!

Red Hearts Glass Dildo

Of the many materials that sex toys can be made of, nothing is as enduring or versatile (or art-worthy) as glass. [Ed. Note: Chihuly take note, dear]. Which is why we were particularly tickled to find this thick piece of magnificence. The Red Hearts Glass Dildo is the workhorse of the bunch, being just as comfortable in your bedroom as in your kitchen as a paper towel holder, rolling pin, pestle, or fruit muddler for those last-minute mojitos. This thing seriously deserves a place in the MoMA permanent collection. Plus, you can throw it in the dishwasher right next to the stemware when you’re done.

Mini Anal Arouser

The anus, for so many people, remains a no-(wo)man’s land much like Antartica, land of the penguins. Which is exactly the type of synergistic combination that would be responsible for creating this irresistibly horrifying penguin butt plug. Just writing about it makes us want to sit this one out. Guffaw! We can seriously imagine nothing less sexy than the idea of inserting a frozen bird up one’s rectum, which is why we use this little critter as a pacifier when we babysit our 6-month old nephew. Pacifier and teething soother in one!

Hello Kitty Vibrating Shoulder Massager

Oh Sanrio, Sanrio, Sanrio. When you gonna stop killing us with cuteness? We absolutely adore these and carry them around with us everywhere to alleviate “stress” in our “shoulders” (wink, wink) while at Starbucks, job interviews, boring movies, subway rides, Thanksgiving, etc. Our only issue is that the pack comes with only 6 kitties, and we tend to enjoy vibrating massages on our down-below shoulders every hour. So, just buy four 6-pussypacks and you’ll be all set. Just sayin’

Are there any particular art worthy toys in your stash that you would care to share with us? Bonus points if you send us a photo of said aesthetically-pleasing sex toy. While you use it, duh.

Images: [Adam & Eve/Google]