Was your man’s first time with a couch or a cousin? And what exactly does that say about him? Guanabee Associate Editor Gabriel Caro lets us into the secret world of Latino boys and their burgeoning, sometimes rushed sexuality to figure out just what kind of kink your man comes from. Charts, of course, included.

Among the many coming of age rituals that we Latinos go through, none is more exciting and terrifying than awakening to our sexual selves. Latino cultures, in their infinite promotion of established gender roles and machismo, instill in young men — whether they are ready for it or not — the critical importance of sexual prowess and dominance. Sometimes at an unfortunate cost. After all, men are still very much expected to wear the pants in the family, make decisions, and establish dominance in sexual, career, domestic and even political arenas. So, when boys are born, they are consciously and subconsciously molded into men with “desirable” - that is, aggressive - characteristics, whereas girls are instilled more “passive” and secondary ideals. And how does a boy become a man? Well, by having sex of course!

As boys approach puberty, their parents (mostly their fathers) will start formulating ways of triggering the hormones in the boy so that they develop in a normal (read: heterosexual) way. Fathers will sometimes impose sexual encounters on their young sons in order for them to experience the ultimate symbol of masculinity: having sex with a woman.

We have all heard the stories of fathers taking their son to visit the local prostitute so that she can teach him a lesson in manhood, which ironically only a woman can teach. This on the one hand posits the vulva as the mysterious source of power, while at the same time defines it as something to be taken and used as a symbol of dominance. What’s rarely mentioned is the fact that forcing a sexual act on a young person is also an act of pedophilia and rape. Oops! This rite of passage is very much a Latino thing.

John Leguizamo, in his Broadway show Freak, discusses his first sexual experience with a woman when his father forced him at a young age to have sex with an employee of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Here’s the audio clip.

Complicating matters is the celebration of unbridled horniness in the Latino man. Latinos are characterized and in some ways desired as horndogs who are ready to fuck you at a moment’s notice [Ed. Note: Which is kinda nice]. We all gasped a little when douche megastar Berto from Viva Hollywood bragged on national television that his first sexual encounter with a woman was when he was 9 years old, because he’s always had “this effervescence” about sex. Um, that’s gross. But his real point was that since Latinos are so horny and hypersexed any type of sexual congress is allowed, inasmuch as it reaffirms a man’s sexuality. I bet that Maria Conchita Alonso’s fake tits would have exploded if Berto had said that he had sex with a man when he was nine. Just sayin’.

In familial settings it is not unusual for sexual experimentation to happen with one’s same-sex sibling. Think about it, if you’re taught to lose your virginity at the earliest convenience, you’re going to at least try to fuck whatever is around you. Whether it is a willing orifice or not. Although this is not strictly a Latino phenomenon, I’m willing to bet that many boys in Latino households will have had a sexual encounter with their cousin/uncle/brother/neighbor as part of their normative sexual development. And although this clearly doesn’t establish a person’s sexual preference as an adult, it is ironic that for all the homophobia that’s present in Latino countries, there’s also an abundance of same-sex sexual experimentation. Since acknowledging having a same-sex encounter is considered disgraceful and sinful in the worst possible way, you’ll not be hearing about these encounters from heterosexual Latino men so don’t bother asking. That’s what I’m here for. And trust me, your very straight Latino boyfriend/brother/uncle/neighbor has some homospicy bones in his closet. Nonetheless, there are some sexual experimentation venues that are more, um, healthy than others. So, next time you have a nice dinner with your man, as you ply him with his 7th margarita and he gets all loosey goosey, nonchalantly ask him with whom he had the sexy times. Then compare:

Sexual Object Choice In Relation To Healthy Sexual Development

• Abuelo(a):  The only thing worse than having sex with your dad is having sex with his dad. In fact, having sex with one’s grandparent trumps all others for grossness in my opinion. In addition to being incestuous, what are the chances that your granddad is Paul Newman? Pretty slim, I’d say. Plus, nothing kills passion like a geritol/viagra cocktail.



• Father and/or mother: Having sex with your dad is not hot under any circumstance. Okay maybe if your dad is Clive Owen. Okay, not even then. And no matter what Oedipus might have you believe, sexing it up with your mother is just plain wrong. Damn Greek perverts.
• Priest and teacher: Although both equally cringe-worthy, I think fucking the priest is less appropriate than fucking the teacher, in the sense that the priest is supposed to teach and uphold morality whereas your teacher is just an underpaid, post-grad not smart enough to have a real job. Also, we all had our share of cute, sweaty, hunky shorts-wearing, Phys. Ed. teachers who said they would call you and never did. Jerk! Um, hi.
• Sister: I imagine that some young latino boys went ahead and experimented with their sisters. That doesn’t make it right or normal. It just makes me kinda vomit. And it makes them fucked in the head.
• Uncle: Fucking the uncleage is more prevalent than thought. In fact, I’m willing to bet my Corona Extra 40 oz. that uncles play a significant role in the development of Latino men’s sexuality by either being the conduit of sexual information that parents are too scared to convey, or by teaching said sexual information “hands on”. And just like we all have a gay uncle, we also all have a perv uncle. Don’t be thinking that your parent’s siblings are any less fucked up than your parents are.



• Farm Animal: If you’re dating a Colombian cachaco or paisa, chances are he fucked a burro. Having sex with farm animals is as Colombian as a coffee muffin with cocaine frosting and an emerald on top. There is a reason Juan Valdez rode an ass in all those commercials. I’m just sayin’.
  
• Abstinence: Although arguably “appropriate”, abstinence is most definitely deviant. And in the young Latino, abstinence during youth usually means repressed homosexuality. If your man was abstinent during his youth, we need to talk.
• Brother : Boys having sex with their brothers is, like, totally normal and commonplace in Latino cultures. And you know what? It may be developmentally healthier than people might imagine as long as they don’t carry it on until college. That would be too much. And hot.
• Pet: We’ve all squirted a load on our Sea Monkey aquarium, but I’m not talking about that. I’m more thinking of him having sex with Chalupa, his darling childhood mutt. Or touching his chihuahua’s parts while getting off. If your boy did that, he needs help. Also, Peta wants to have a word with him.
• Prostitute: Well, just as I thought this shit couldn’t get any more surreal, along comes an “anonymous” tip to my inbox that totally corroborates the veracity of it all: Daniel (yes, our Daniel) was taken to a whorehouse by his cousin at the young age of 13 [Ed. Note: Please reserve your nervous laughter till the end]. Conchita, the prostitute, undressed him while he shriveled in terror. They ended up just “talking it out, bitch”. Not to mention “traumatizing his shit for life, bitch”.
  
• Produce: Fuck a melon if you must, just stay away from the prickly pear, the nopal, and the aloe. I still have scars.
• Cousin: As far as I’m concerned, fucking a cousin is morally acceptable. [Ed. Holla!] They are sufficiently removed, biologically and otherwise, to allow for a nut (or ten). In fact, if you’re Latino, chances are your boyfriend is your cousin. So there.
  



• Baked goods: All I’m saying is that, to this day, I’ll never, ever eat a tres leches dessert. Neither should you.
• Mailman: As we Latinos grew up in our tribes, wearing loincloths and whatnot, there was only one way to guarantee that our mail was untampered with and delivered on time. So sue us if we wanted to receive our issue of Bow and Arrow Quarterly in a timely manner.
  
• Sofa: Your abuela knew what she was doing when she decided to cover all of her living room furniture in clear plastic. It was because of all the young nieto perverts that would come visit. It also might explain those strange stains all over your boyfriend’s chenille sofa slipcover. Eww.
• Masturbation: If your boy limited his sexual exploration to choking the chicken, you have a keeper. Congratulations on dating a dud.

As you can see, the sexual object your man chose (or was subjected to) when he was young undoubtedly informs how he behaves in bed today. So, where does your man’s sexual experiences as a young boy put him in the grand sexual scheme of things? You think there’s a better way to teach a boy about sexuality than spending a couple of hours in the red light district? Is encouraging sexual activity at a young age beneficial? Does the fact that Latino boys are taught to fuck everything in sight have anything to do with the number of pregnancies in Latino cultures? Please elaborate in the comments section, girlfriends.