In between all the dozens upon dozens of fawning fan emails we don’t get and all the many, many advertisements for penis enlargement pills (Sorry, we have our own special formula for penis enlargement. It’s called “lip gloss.”), we received a note from a forlorn Italian man who wants nothing more than the chance to meet former Disney star and current recovering meth addict Lalaine Vergara-Paras. Well, there’s no accounting for bad taste. But who are we to judge! Here at Guanabee, we aim to make dreams come true. No matter how mediocre. Email after the jump:

Hi everyone!I’m an Italian guy and I apologize for my very poor English. I’m writing to you to know how I can contact Lalaine Vergara-Paras. I want to send her an e-mail or something similar but I’m not able to find any contact…Can you help me?I hope you will answer me. Thank you.

No need to apologize, friend! Unfortunately, we lost the cocktail napkin upon which Lalaine scrawled her email address after our brief (but wondrous!) tryst in a public restroom. So sorry. In its absence, please enjoy the dulcid sounds and subtle message that is Lalaine’s single “I’m Not Your Girl.”