The brilliant minds behind “Burrito Blog” care for you and your terrible taste in quasi-Mexican slop. Fatass. As such, they have looked into Chipotle’s ludicrous nutritional tables to determine just how far off the mark their calorie info is. Turns out, just looking at a Chipotle burrito will make you gain about 7.3 pounds. Let’s join them as they break down the info for us, one little calorie at a time:

First, let’s get familiar with the Chipotle menu as concerns burritos. The Chipotle burrito and fajita-burrito variation have up to seventeen distinct ingredients, which can be broken up into three basic components: tortilla, filling, and topping. All caloric values are taken directly from the official nutrition information provided by Chipotle.

Do let’s:

Tortilla, 290 Calories (Required)

Fillings (Minimum 1)

Rice, 160 Calories Beans, Choice of
Black Beans, 130 Calories
Pinto Beans, 138 Calories

Meat, Choice of

Barbacoa, 170 Calories Chicken, 200 Calories
Carnitas, 210 Calories
Steak, 190 Calories

Toppings (All Optional)

Fajita Vegetables, 70 Calories Salsa, Choice of
Tomato, 20 Calories
Corn, 100 Calories
Red Tomatillo, 28 Calories
Green Tomatillo, 15 Calories
Cheese, 110 Calories
Sour Cream, 120 Calories
Guacamole, 140 Calories
Lettuce, 5 Calories

We feel constipated just reading that. Next, let’s look at how Chipotle, who claim their burritos range from 420 to 918 calories, lie like any place that puts sour cream on a taco and calls it Mexican:

There are zero burrito configurations with fewer calories than Chipotle’s lower bound value. There are 1,913 configurations with more calories than Chipotle’s upper bound value. That’s a bad start.

Indeed. The Burrito Bloggers did some mathemagicking to discover that the actual high amount for a normal-size burrito is a whopping 1,343 calories. Add a medium coke and a proper blowjob and you’re at about your daily caloric allowance. Moral of the story? If you must eat out, stick to chocha bread.

Chipotle Ignores Own Nutrition Information [Burrito Blog]