If you, like us, are tired of people constantly asking you to please close your legs so as not to let out all the fish, tell them it’s just part of your weird-ass beauty routine. Some believe a treatment called “Doctor Fish” — which involves immersing your ugly, disgusting, mutant body in a fish bath — will help make your hideous skin healthier and more beautiful. Sounds fun! In fact, it kind of sounds like having a meth-head boyfriend:

These fish have no teeth, uses their powerful sucking lips to suck away deadskin, which can stimulate acupuncture point and modulate nervous system to relax your body and releases your fatigue.

Sexual. Especially when you wordlessly attempt to explain what it feels like to have fish start to eat away at your flesh:

During the process of fish treatment, you can enjoy a comfortable and wonderful feeling which you can not describe in words. People will not feel the slightest pain or discomfort, but a fascinating experience when the fish are nibbling your skin and massage your body. These fish will bring no harm to you because they are tame, small and gentle.

Fascinating. In what school of fish did Dr. Fish obtain his degree? BARUM-CHING! Gosh, we can’t wait to think possibly think about trying it while we’re tearing into a salmon skin handroll.

Doctor Fish [Doctor Fish Massage, Inc.]