Summer’s right around the corner! We can feel it! As we wake each morning to an un-air-conditioned apartment in a pool of what we hope is our own perspiration! The impending approach of hot summer months means only one thing: Heat rash. Specifically between your thighs as you try, yet again, to wear short shorts. Coochie cutters. Daisy dukes. Yeast infections waiting to happen. Call them what you will; they inevitably appear in magazines, catalogues and window displays come summertime. But fret not, you wannabe harlot. We’ll give you some tips on how to wear short shorts without looking like you have a ravenous chocha. (Let’s pretend.) Ready? Let’s go!:

Tip 1: Buy shorts in your size.

It sounds like common sense, but, ha! Common sense isn’t so… widespread. As the saying goes. Maybe. Make sure to try on the pair of shorts you want to buy. Look at them from the front. And now the back. Bend down. Jump up and down. Sit. Crawl around on all fours. Do whatever activity you anticipate undertaking in your short shorts. Unless the fitting is carpeted, because rug burns hurt like hell. The main things to look for when trying on tiny shorts are as follow:

- Camel toe. Do not want. You want your shorts to lovingly caress you, not give the general public a chance to play gynecologist.

- Waist. You’re not getting a “muffin top,” or overflow over the waist of your shorts, because you’re fat or imperfect. You’re getting it because you’re trying on the wrong size. The world won’t crumble if you’re not a size 6. Besides, you will feel more comfortable in clothes that fit properly, which means you’ll be more confident, which means you’ll carry yourself with pride, which means you’ll look totally hot.

- Length. Lips don’t smile? We don’t need to see them. Cheeks don’t blush? Keep them covered.

- Transparency. If you’re trying on white or pale-colored shorts, make sure your underpants don’t show through. And if you’re not wearing underwear while trying on clothing then, girl. Please don’t let us know. Similarly, if the fabric or fit of the shorts are such that your underwear bunch up or result in visible panty lines, don’t fret. Silk, micro-mesh panties or a thong will work just fine.

Tip 2: Know your body.

Shorter shorts will lengthen legs, whereas longer styles, like bermuda shorts, have the opposite result. We don’t care if you’re 4 foot 11 or 6 foot 2, though. Wear what you like. Just make sure to understand your proportions and know it’s ok to realize certain styles might not work as well on your body than others. After all, we can’t all look like me models.

Tip 3: It’s all about balance.

When putting together an outfit with your new coochie cutters, remember that you’ll already be showing a lot of skin. Balance it out by wearing a less revealing top:

A loose-fitting peasant blouse, for example, would work well for you plebes:

Or a bateau-neck striped top paired with white shorts for a look inspired by all things nautical. Like boats and mermaids and all that lovely shit:

Tip 4: Skip the heels.

While hotpants and heels look great in a music video, they’re not the best choice for street wear. We suggest pairing your shorts with, say, a strappy sandal, ballet flat or a wedge.

There. Now you’re all set to go out in your lovely new short shorts. And it didn’t even require a glue gun, jar of Crisco or a crowbar. Success!