PETA And Jessica Simpson Continue To Duke It Out For Title Of “Most Annoying Pop Culture Phenom”

Jessica Simpson wore a dumb, sexist T-shirt the other day and PETA decided to go on a dumb, sexist diatribe against her for wearing it. Full disclosure: We’re not the healthiest eater in the world, true. But, for whatever reason, that unhealthy diet rarely includes meat. We’re not militant about it, it isn’t because of any ethical or religious dogma, we just simply don’t like it. So we’re not bothered by people who choose to eat or not eat something, unless they’re invited to our dinner party and tell us once they arrive that they can’t eat poultry, dairy, foods that are purple or anything ending in “o.” What does bother us, however, is sexism. And more than that, we’re pretty fucking annoyed by misogyny steeped in hypocrisy. So, let’s take a look at PETA’s reasons why Jessica Simpson should be hung up by her toes for eating a sausage:

1. Meat increases the risk of breast cancer.

A 2007 study of 35,000 women published in the British Journal of Cancer found that women who ate meat were far more likely to develop breast cancer than women who consumed none. Will Jessica’s next t-shirt will say, “Real Girls Smoke 3 Packs a Day”?

Know what else is carcinogenic? Crispy french fries. And information providing by people who have no fucking clue what it is they’re talking about.

2. Real girls don’t support animal abuse.

Compassion is super sexy, if the huge number of hot celebs ditching meat is any indication. Young women turn vegetarian in droves when they learn that the meat industry cuts the sensitive beaks off newborn chicks and cuts off the tails of baby piglets.

Eating meat is not an act of terrorism. It’s not inherently good or terrible. It’s a choice people make for a variety of reasons. Furthermore, “real girls” do whatever the fuck they please because there is no god damn thing as a definitive list of things “real girls” do. We would hope, however, that young women align themselves to causes regardless of how fucking “sexy” they are or how hard an activist group tries to shove images of crying baby chicks in their faces.

3. The meat industry is destroying the Earth.

The only thing that’s hot about the meat industry is that it’s toasting the planet. According to the United Nations, raising animals for food causes more greenhouse-gas emissions than all the cars, trucks, SUVs, planes, and ships in the world combined.

And carrots grow, harvest and transport themselves onto your dinner plate, right? Why not look into greener methods of farming instead of advocating the annihilation of an entire industry that provides fuel, food, shelter, clothing and jobs to billions of people?

4. Meat will make you fat.

All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming “Jessica Simpson’s Intimates” line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Oh STFU. Consuming more calories than one burns is what makes someone fat. Know what’s more unhealthy than the consumption of animal products? Providing stimuli for poor self-esteem and disordered eating.

5. Eating meat steals food from starving kids.

Jessica’s trip to help kids in Africa got a lot of media buzz, but by gnawing on meat, she’s essentially stealing food from the mouths of starving children since it takes up to 16 pounds of grain to produce just 1 pound of meat. If more people went vegetarian, we’d free up enough grain to feed every person in the world.

This is a pretty unique definition of “stealing.” Hunger has less to do with the availabitlity of food — Christ, or maybe Wikipedia, knows how much food developed nations throw away annually — and more to do with politics, economics, disease and growing conditions. Additionally, while it might take a lot of grain to feed livestock, they provide milk, meat, power, fuel, marrow and leather - all in one package. Also, real nice example of needless sensationalism with “starving children” as opposed to “people.”

Top Five Reasons Only Stupid Girls Brag About Eating Meat [PETA]