“How long”, asks Boston Globe correspondent Beth Teitell, “does a new mother get to lose the baby weight before people start, you know, talking?” We don’t know, but god forbid your body doesn’t shrink back into a more socially-acceptable size 2 as soon as you pop that placenta out, tubby lardass! Teitell continues:

There’s no official deadline, but one thing’s clear: She gets less time than she used to, thanks to standards set by a new crop of celebri-moms like Jennifer Lopez, who give birth one day and seem to appear on the red carpet the next - rested, radiant, and toned. […] in an age in which People, Us Weekly and lesser gossip rags track the stars’ post-pregnancy weight loss with a laser-like focus, the pressure on regular new moms to slim down starts in the maternity ward itself…

The fact that Jennifer Lopez might be considered a standard of any kind, even in jest, gives us the vapors. But seriously Pumas & other MILFs, what’s up with all that extra fat?

What woman would feel good reading a headline like this (from the Daily Mail): “New mum J-Lo loses 40 pounds in four weeks with aid of gruelling [sic] workouts.” […] Does a new mom really need to know, as Star reported in April, that […] Christina Aguilera’s at 115 [lbs] two months after birth!

We dunno. Maybe a woman with self-esteem and a basic understanding of Photoshop? Teitell interviewed Ami Cipolla, who like Jennifer Lopez just gave birth to twins. Ami says that although it is unreasonable to be compared to stars, it is nonetheless hard not to in this “celebrity-driven world.” Ami, when talking about Jennifer Lopez’s post-partum figure, adds: “She’s on the cover of People magazine,” she said. “What’s [my] problem?” To which Teitell helpfully adds:

Her problem? With all respect to Shakespeare, the fault lies not within ourselves, but in our stars.

No. NO. Stop the fat train right there. We’re having a really hard time wrapping our hungover heads around this one. The fault does not lie in our stars, but in unreasonable societal expectations women apply to themselves. Because ultimately, for well-adjusted women (and men), being happy with oneself has nothing to do with the size of Jennifer Lopez’s ass. Has Christina Aguilera said that we all need to look sexy like her? No. So shut up and pass the tub of cream cheese already, aight? We want to know how y’all feel about all this nonsense that women have to lose weight immediately after giving birth? Isn’t that shit dangerous for both mother and child? And furthermore, how come nobody’s talking about the weight new fathers gain after having a child? Fatosphere, we’re waiting for your comments.

No time to lose [Boston Globe]